adventure, blog, goals, life, lifestyle, love, mental health, new beginnings, new year

a reason to stay.

for as long as I can remember, my life has been about running from everything that scares me. everyone who knows me well, know that i’m a very calculating person when it comes to almost everything. and what i mean by that is i have a daily to-do list and a master to-do list. among many other things i do in an effort to control my life. i do this with mostly everything, except anything i’m scared of. when i tell you i run-i don’t think you’d know how fast.

even when i didn’t realize thats what i was doing. before even really thinking about it, i was getting on an airplane to go live with my best friend for who knows how long, all because i wanted to stop hearing my mom ask me what i was going to do with my life now. at 17- i wasn’t even sure what that meant. what did i want to do? and why? i had always been pretty decisive. but all of the sudden, everything was closing in on me. i spent all this time being this girl who didn’t really mind if people disagreed with what i did or didn’t do. but there i was. at the airport- knowing that 1) i had brought way too much clothes to a tropical place and, 2) that this was the moment i knew, i knew that i was running away. thats where it started, to say the least. if i could pin-point a moment in time, that would be the one. there was so much more to the random choice i had made, but the truth is i was really just running away from my own head. being only 18 the first time i left home- it felt like everything i was looking for. i worked just enough to be okay. i lived with my best friend. i cried whenever i had to. i laughed whenever i felt like it. i went to the beach whenever i wanted to. i knew which secret entrance to go through and would stop by to get falafels at my favorite place. i could spend hours there. i miss that feeling. is there a word that describes the feeling of wanting to freeze a moment in time? thats what life felt like then. i felt like i was my own person for the first time in a long time. i was no longer the girl who felt pressured to decide what i was going to do tomorrow. or even the next day, or even the day after that. in that moment in time, i didn’t feel like all the responsibilities i had been given without asking for them, i felt like they were gone. is that what it feels like to have no problems? that feeling lasted a while. a good while. but reality always hits you like a truck, to say the least. eventually you have to go home. even if its to the most dreadful place on earth. no more days spent on the beach, but instead days spent busy from morning to night. my days were shuffled between 5 am wake up calls for early morning service with friends (bless their hearts), working at a restaurant and going to night school. my days were endless. i remember this like it was yesterday. one day it was almost midnight and i was doing my anatomy homework with tears in my eyes, and i really really wish i was kidding about that. but i’m not. my mom slid a cup of coffee to me. what a depressing time to be me- i thought to myself. ahhhhh little vi had no idea. none whatsoever. this was the easy part, really.

in reality- yes, that was not the hardest part of my life yet. i remember feeling so lost after all of that though. like no matter how much i did, it still wasn’t enough for the people around me. at the end of the day i was just tired and over caffeinated. and found no real reasons to stay in one place. if it wasn’t for the people i love, i’m not sure what would have kept me there for so long. i think maybe i didn’t know myself well enough to know what i was doing. and how living to try to meet others expectations was never going to make me happy. in reality, it wasn’t making me happy. my parents were happy, my friends would tell me i had it together- but on the inside it was the complete opposite. so from that point on- i promised myself that whenever things got bad, i would go somewhere new. somewhere i had never been before. and i can’t say it didn’t help. it did. but there was still some kind of surreal happiness i felt away from all the things that hurt me- and it all quickly faded away as soon as i was flying back home. my reality isn’t what i wanted. i always wondered why it felt so devastating to go back home. now i think it had a lot to do with my perceptions. and all the burdens we associate to one place in general. when in reality, it really is just a town you grew up in. what was hurting me was the way i was perceived. the way that whenever i wanted to be a better person- i was met with humiliation. is that harsh? yes, no? i’m not sure anymore. but to be honest- this isn’t anything i wouldn’t say to someones face. in fact- i don’t think its something i haven’t said before.

anyone who knows me well, knows how much i love taylor. and some of my newfound favorite lyrics of her can describe how i felt in that moment in my life:

“when you are young, they assume you know nothing.”

it was a feeling of wanting to run as fast as i could. nights spent praying asking for not things i wanted, but just to please at least get what i needed if i couldn’t get what i wanted. it was a feeling of craving understanding more than anything else. it was being met with disappointment and humiliation by the people i considered my family and friends- all because i wanted to a be a better person. all because i wanted to be happy. its something i never quite understood. i guess eldest child syndrome is a real thing. but i knew even things that i wasn’t supposed to know. even things i didn’t want to know. its being scared to not be good enough while also striving to be the best version of yourself just so your parents didn’t have to worry about you. if i did everything right- they wouldn’t have to worry. after all, they had so many other things to worry about, they had other children to worry about. if i do nothing to worry anyone, if i never mess up, everyone will be happier. it was this unspoken need to be a poster child. thats what i lived with for years on end. it made me a people pleaser and an approval seeker without even realizing it. its one of those things you can’t control though- i wouldn’t change having my little sisters for the world. they are the most precious things on this planet to me. but sometimes, sometimes i wish i wouldn’t have had to grow up so fast. i would just smile when people would tell me how mature i was for my age- when in reality i was holding it all inside. opinions and all. i was too scared to say the wrong thing. i was too scared to mess up. i had this unspoken promise with myself that i would do everything possible to not make anyone worry. this obviously ended up blending into every other area of my life.

and when i felt like i was an old cardigan, under someone’s bed- you put me on and said i was your favorite.”

there are very counted people i consider close to me in this life. very counted people who have seen me in the worst state of mind i could’ve possibly been in. have you ever met someone and wonder where in the world they’ve been all your life? its as if they were sent to you somehow. as if there was nothing that could’ve prevented you from meeting them.  its when you meet these unexpected people and they turn into unexpected blessings- its then that you realize there’s a glimmer of hope deep inside you. the one that was going away- they help you keep it. its so simple. its so so simple. she understands me even when i feel crazy- is exactly what was going through my mind when i met one of my best friends now. but that is really how it feels when you meet people you have connections with- like you were forgotten and somehow in this lifetime- they found you. and in that moment you can’t help but feel thankful for being able to exist at the same time as them. for sharing some of the best and worst years of life with them. that is what it all comes down to. these are the same people that have seen me go from ‘i can’t live without him’ and ‘i can’t possibly survive this’ to ‘i’m really, actually happy’ and ‘i’m moving away for good.’

even in the middle of a stupid pandemic- my life is really beautiful now. when i was 18, i came to new york for the first time ever. and even back then, i knew this is where i wanted to be someday. i couldn’t quite do it then, as much as i wanted to unpack my bags and stay- i was still too scared. i was still running from so many things, so many i wouldn’t even have been able to number them for you if you asked. i really wish there was enough words to describe how i felt back then. something as monotonous as driving or eating or walking around, or even being sad always felt like it would be better if it was done in new york. i dare to say- its the best place on earth. even now, every time i see and exit sign that says New York City- i freak out a little bit inside. and yes- the rent is astronomical and everything is expensive and sometimes people are mean for no reason and driving through jersey is the worst thing you could possibly imagine.

but there’s one single, but very important thing it does have: it holds a reason to stay. 

the one thing i hadn’t felt in what felt like forever. this place carried so much of me all at once. it finally felt like home. even when bad things would happen. i still wanted to stay. i  think so many random things have gone wrong in the past few months- now would’ve been the perfect time for me to run as fast as i could. but i didn’t. 

for once- i wanted to stay. 

for once- every ounce of me wanted to be here no matter what. the words that i had told myself years ago when i had first come here were essentially true- even if you’re sad, its still a better day here than being sad anywhere else.

“when you’re young you just run, but you come back to what you need.”

now, now i want nothing else but to stay where i am. i want nothing more than to be at my best friends apartment, in our small town with literally one grocery store. i don’t need anything else but this now. we cry, we laugh, we talk about everything that hurts and everything that makes us happy. we all do our own thing while existing in the same space. it would seem like nothing from the outside looking in- but i’ve come to realize that this means everything. i’m not alone anymore. it doesn’t matter what comes next because i have everything i need. all three of us- hugging each other and crying in han’s living room. every time i remember it, i can’t help but think about how grateful i am to be this happy. i forgot that i deserved that.

 “remind yourself that you are not the only person in this world who loves like that. there are people out there that will love you the way you love others. there are people out there who will give you the kind of love you have always given to everyone else. there are human beings in the world who would do anything just to love you, just to keep you in their lives, just to care for you. they exist. believe in that goodness. believe that you are worthy of it.”-bianca sparacino

back when i was around 19, every time i would come home every day i felt like nothing was changing and everything was the same and every day i’d come home and i felt very at the time but there was one thing i would notice very time came home that didn’t change every day. that is the last turn i would take to turn into my street was a stop light so as i was waiting- it was always at 5:30 give or take- there was a flock of birds that would fly across every single day in a formation. and i always thought that was beautiful. that they knew what to do without anyone having to tell them. the sky could be different colors, it could be winter or summer, it could be raining or sunny but they always remained the same. sometimes, as strange as it sounds- i would ask myself if they ever got tired of it? i honestly don’t know if they did (i mean-do birds even have that capacity? probably not) but either way i always thought of that. and honestly- it really kept me going for a while. they would do the same thing every day but wouldn’t complain or just stop doing it one day. it always made me think about how even when i felt stuck, when I felt tired, when i felt like i was doing the same thing every single day and i wasn’t getting anywhere- in reality i was getting somewhere. and that was such a pretty thing. that i was still moving forward, i was still trying very single day even when it felt like i’d never get anywhere.  i guess deep inside of me i felt like i’d never heal

i thought i needed apologies before being able to heal before, but in reality i just needed to apologize to myself for being so hard on myself all the time. for thinking that healing would be linear- i should very well know by now that its not. healing is messy and it takes years. and even when you’ve healed, your body remembers what your mind doesn’t. the anniversaries or landmark dates that used to take space in your head before are now just a random day in september that looks like just like any other day. you go to work or school or its your day off and you don’t know why you feel a pit in your stomach but you do. and then you try to just keep yourself busy all day only to end up sad for absolutely no reason (or so you think).

and then it slips into your mind. today was the day you always dreaded. they day that used to remind you of good things or bad things or things you no longer know how to feel about. so i guess thats what healing really is. you forget. you really really do. you forget what peoples voices sound like, or what they look like when they’re happy (you used to know in a heartbeat right?). or what they look like when they’d wipe the tears off your face. you forget why that type of tea is now your favorite because its just natural to you now. but once in a while it slips into your mind- they showed you that. but it doesn’t hurt anymore. and the thing is- just like healing isn’t linear, forgetting people isn’t either. we can forget or even think we forget everything about them but still, even now-we carry parts of all the people we’ve ever loved in ourselves. so we should be thankful for that.

“but we were something, don’t you think so ?”

and i guess its true- no one in this world ever gets used to being left. but when you think of the bigger picture now- you can see how they led us to where we are now, and all the things we can offer to other people now have bits and pieces of our pasts intertwined with our future. they led us to where we are now. none of us are as unique as we think that we are. we are all made up of all the love we’ve ever been given. and all the pain too. those people were really something. and we were something to them. some of the greatest stories end before we think they will.

but hey- the sun comes up right?

just like flowers, sometimes we wither when the lights come off and we don’t get enough water. but then the sun comes, it always comes out again. and we bloom again, and someone remembers to give us water. or it rains and we get it without expecting it. but we bloom. maybe not as best as we did last time or the first time when none of the troubles of this world had worn us out yet.

but nevertheless- we do grow in the midst of it all. and the sun comes out again. thats something i’ve learned time and again. and something i’ve come to appreciate more than most things. whenever i’ve been in the darkest rooms- the only thing that could sometimes get through to me was knowing that things could get better again. that i would laugh until i cried with my friends again or that i would laugh while crying to them. thats the beauty in between the pain. that we have been created with the capacity to regenerate ourselves time and again. to mend our broken little hearts time after time. i’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how broken your past is, there’s always the most beautiful opportunity that can kind of change everything. you let it make you better. more loving, kind, with more understanding of what others go through.  when we know what its like to smile through hardships- we learn to recognize the same behavior in the people around us.

i’m almost sure that this is the longest post i’ve written so far (leave it to me to analyze my whole life through a new ts album, right?)- but there are really so many things that have left me thinking after being here for almost a year. after deciding to stay time after time when i could just as easily run away. for finding my own reasons to stay after it being a pretty innate quality to me at this point in my 23 years of life to just go when life gets hard. but learning to appreciate things i never really saw before, learning to make it on my own, not pretending anymore. that has been plenty right there. i see myself now and i see someone who didn’t let herself become bitter over the past but instead worked hard to stop running from it.

and to this day- i keep adding things to my list. my list of reasons to stay where i am now.

these days- its been beach days. and stay-cations. and learning to live and to stay and to stay and to stay once again. its learning to to understand that when people say they will stay they do mean it- just because others haven’t meant it in the past doesn’t mean it’ll happen again. these days its the “whatever you need me for’s” and the obvious but unexpected blessings in the form of people. its my best friend teaching me how to take care of my annoying curly hair for the first time. its the deleting your exe’s phone number (its not like you’d actually use it anyway, right? what a drag). its telling myself and repeating to myself that no one in their right minds would actually, willingly give me up like i was nothing. its what everyone who loves me truly around me tells me now. so its about time i start believing that right?

 isn’t that something? almost a year later and i wasn’t sure how this year would exactly pan out- and honestly didn’t envision a pandemic in my near future- but here we are. here i am. seemingly in the most comfortable place i’ve ever been with myself. and although in my head and nostalgia i’d imagined a whole summer in the city, going to concerts and coffee shops, running around brooklyn ( my favorite place ugh)- this summer was okay. it was my first summer in new york, it was different- not as hot as arizona, but just hot enough to feel like a real summer.

this morning i walked out and it felt like fall. and i had never felt that in august. and it felt nice. it felt hopeful. it felt like introspection. like when everything connects and comes full circle without you asking it to.

here’s to another new york year. here’s to another year of discovering what violet is really capable of. hopefully much more happiness, i hope she gets that, i really really do. i hope she doesn’t give up on what she knows she needs and wants. and i hope the next year brings her more of that. 

-vi

 

 

 

 

Standard
adevneture, blog, goals, life, new beginnings, new year, photography, self love

24 things i learned in 2019

nothing changes, if nothing changes.

half of my 2019 was the worst and half of it was the best. this year i faced the worst of the worst fears that i had.

and i mean, it was honestly terrifying. but just like every year- we survive. its what we do. and i know, time is just an earthly measure of time that our brains sort of understand, but one year can really pick your brain and teach you a lot you didn’t know about yourself.

this past year i lost a lot of things.

starting with myself. i want to think that this was my peak point. the two years before that i felt very *floaty* and thats the only way i can describe my emotions and my life. like i was just floating and letting things happen because i felt like i literally could not control anything. and whatever i would try to control just wouldn’t work or it would go the total opposite direction. so i just let things happen to me. i want to say i even stopped trying at a certain point. i *knew* what my end goal was for this year which was moving to new york. but, even in that sense i felt no control over my plans at times. thankfully, i know i was blessed because everything worked out in ways that i never would have even imagined.

i lost people i NEVER thought i would lose. like when i say never, i mean never. ever ever. ever. one of those people, im honestly glad i lost. it taught me the value of being able to walk away even when you love someone. because if you value yourself as a person, you will have to walk away from people who hurt you. who openly hurt you and did for more years than should be allowed. this was the exact point at a restaurant in march where i lost it and i said no. and i took my power back. i took back the years of making myself small for someone else. someone who was never going to love me just as much as i loved him. and thats the moment i remembered who i was. thats the exact moment i found myself again. i want to take a moment to say how much i appreciate all the friends who helped me see the light in everything. who honestly held my hand and helped me through the messy waters.

the other person- i just honestly didn’t see it coming. i wish i could’ve done something to stop it. anything to stop the distance and the not catching up with eachother and letting eachother go over time. i know we can’t change the past- but there’s a lot to be said about wishing you could’ve just maybe done something else? something to make things go a different way. i wish i could tell her that she was one of the best people i’ve ever met. and that i love her. that i would have never survived without her. that sometimes, even though im very far away from her, i think of her. i think of her every day and i only hope for the best. i only hope for her to be happy. i only hope one day she’s not as mad as she seems to be at me, and we can just laugh about it and pretend it was all just a bad dream. but every bone in my body tells me we will never be those 20 year olds on the roof ever again.

and i guess thats what growing up is. you lose and you learn. and as hard as it is- you accept that some people played a bigger part in your life and story than you did in theirs. that maybe you just always loved them more. and thats okay.

i lost my fear of failing. which in hindsight- is a good thing. i decided to do things that terrfied me without knowing what the outcome would be. and hey- i’ve learned more about myself in the past 3 months than i’ve learned in the past 2 years. and that has to be something.

i lost my need to be organized and rigid and perfect 24/7. i was that girl. and although i generally still am- i don’t beat myself up over it anymore. i live a busy life. and sometimes that means i eat pb&j sandwiches all week because i barely have time to breathe. and sometimes i know that if i even think of laying down in the middle of the day i will fall asleep. and these have been the busiest, craziest, happiest, loveliest 3 months of my life. and i feel like before i might’ve thought i was happy. but man, am i happy. things are never easy, and they aren’t all what i thought they would be. they are expensive and time consuming (can someone say laundromats?) and sometimes annoying. but they are so happy. living this simply and out of my comfort zone i was sure i’d lack something but no- i’ve gained so much.

this is the first place in my entire life where i finally feel like i fit in. like this is what my whole life was leading up to. its full potential.

there are about 8 things more or less i want to do this year:

  1. complete my service hours!!! hard but doable.
  2. learn how to play the ukulele and start making more covers.
  3. hopefully get into dancing again (missin my ballet shoes righ abt now)
  4. have a healthy relationship with myself, my body and food.
  5. this year i want to create more. more videos, more film. more happy genuine documenting. it makes me so happy so i need to do more of it.
  6. go to the city and watch a broadway musical
  7. somehow get my hands on a super 8mm film camera. it would make my total and complete life.
  8. do things that genuinely make me happy every single day. little joys. its the little joys.

and heres what i supposedly learned:

  1. i will never under any circumstances work a full time job again- that is a vow and promise i will make to myself for forever
  2. love shows up in so many different ways. you just have to pay attention
  3. love languages are real. pay attention to them!!!
  4. its okay to miss people. its okay to tell them. it doesn’t make you weak. it makes you human.
  5. its okay that your conscience is different than someone else’s. it doesn’t make you stuck up or polished or whatever. it just to me- makes you a more aware person.
  6. how much i love my family and my culture. as i was getting ready to leave- i started to hone down and realize what things made me, me. and it all came down to the things i grew up with.
  7. i learned to appreciate my parents a lot more. they aren’t perfect. but they do so much. and they mean so much. and they are really that much.
  8. i learned that people leave and you can’t control when they leave or why they leave or if they leave. or really if it has anything to do with you.
  9. i learned to be thankful for the time people gave me, whether it was years or months.
  10. i learned that my mind really doesn’t function well if im not creating. which is why i have the goal of creating more.
  11. people will show up for you in unimaginable ways. please let them. don’t close yourself off to love and attention.
  12. i learned to spend time alone again. and to love it. for a period of time there, i felt like i couldn’t be alone. but now i love it again.
  13. i learned to stop being embarrassed. im a very naturally introverted person but i promised myself this year i’d start getting out there more. that i would stop being so self conscious. (which im def still working on btw)
  14. i learned that im the loving type. i love and i love and i dont ever stop. and i learned to accept that about myself. i’ve been made to feel at times that it was a weakness to let people back in like that. but i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again- if i love someone, i will love them until i die. even if i never hear from them again.
  15. vulnerability does not mean weakness. im a firm believer in saying things when you feel them. tell people you love them even if you think it will ruin everything. tell them you miss them and you can’t live without them. just tell them. i stopped holding back, mostly because (if you know me well) you know that i can’t physically or emotionally hold myself back too much either way.you say things, you tell the truth and you go from there. you go from there. things can either work or not but you won’t ever know if you don’t try.
  16. i learned to set myself more realistic goals. i used to have this super ridiculous high expectation of doing 20 things in a day which i won’t say is impossible but is downright degrading to yourself as an imperfect human who can’t do half of the thing you try doing- correctly. so no, i will not be trying to get up at 5am or go to sleep at 9 in the near future, but a girl can dream of getting a full 8 hours right?
  17. if someone is hurt by something you did, you don’t have the right to tell them to not be upset. what you can do is always, always fix it. always be the bigger person.
  18. i learned that i don’t like being around people who can’t own up to what they do. who can’t take advice. who can’t even confront or even talk when things get messy. this is just something i realized- and well i adjusted accordingly.
  19. this year i learned that the kind of love i want, is not unrealistic. i may not have it yet. but i can assure you its out there somewhere. on the face of someone who can’t wait to meet someone like me. and the fact is that i want something pure, honest, dare i say-life changing? i want the kind with flowers and walks in the park and aquarium dates and love letters, and a collection of videos explaining why i love them. and that does not make me hard to love. it just makes me honest about what i want.
  20. its hard getting older. its hard when you wake up and you’re 23. i speak for myself. in those moments i just take a deep breath and try not to look in the mirror too much. it drives you crazy getting old. i think it gets harder for me because the older i get the less time i feel like i have.
  21. i learned to accept that sometimes you find more family in people who are not your family. and thats okay. sometimes that’s the support system you always needed but never had.
  22. i realized how much i love arizona. i realized it the moment i set a date to leave to new york. i realized it the moment my room was empty. i realized it the moment i couldn’t stop crying when i was saying goodbye to my dad. when i was driving home from work for the last time. because i know it will be so different when i go back to visit. its not home anymore, and i’m afraid it never really felt like so. but the mountains can make you feel otherwise when the nostalgia hits.
  23. i finally understood what full circle meant. i could finally go back and look at the turning points in my life. i could look at them with a better knowledge about myself. one that i never had before. the kind that helps you understand that you went through all you went through and some things were easy and happy and some things were to put it simply- heartbreaking. but i don’t see myself here if it hadn’t been for all the things in between.
  24. the biggest thing i learned was that i knew what i was looking for all along. i could just never put it into perspective. and moving here. doing this. trusting people again. crying from the homesickness at times- they all make sense. i needed this. i found the me that i lost years ago. i found her again in the streets of the city and in the quiet parts of my little one lane town. i found her in the bookstores and the quiet snow days filled with apple cider and breakfast at tiffanys. i found her in the walks alone around the neighborhood, and the middle of the night laughs and taco bell runs with people that i never expected to find. i found her where she must’ve been trying to make her way to a long, long time ago. she was trying to make her way to the place that felt like home.

some words that really stuck in my head throughout this year:

the truth is that it hurts because its real. it hurts because it mattered. and that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. but that doesn’t mean it won’t end, it won’t get better. because it will.

-john greene.

it hurt because it mattered. it hurt moving here. it hurt missing people. it hurt leaving my room. it hurt leaving my people, my friends. it hurt. because it mattered. it matters. so much. but you know what else mattered? my happiness. and this is only the start of what i want to say has been the happiest period of my life.

until next time. maybe i’ll write again in a year. maybe i will before and keep it to myself or maybe i’ll read it to someone.

-vi.

Standard
adventure, blog, goals, life, mental health, new year, photography, self love, travel

24 things i learned in 2018

its been three incredible, growth-filled years since i started blogging.

three years. i know it may not seem like much but the amount of messages (deep, heartfelt messages) i’ve gotten thanking me for being able to explain how they feel- is just amazing to me. i started this for myself. because there were words i needed to say to people or situations that didn’t want to hear it- but i needed to tell somebody. anybody.

and thats how this started. and oh, how much i’ve grown. i don’t even recognize the girl who wrote the first “24 things i learned in 2016” post. its not me anymore. its much better. and looking back and reading those words i can accept what i felt gracefully and look back with only a thankful heart because apart from all the coming-of-age, heartbreak, 20 year old stuff, they helped me. the words helped me. the messages helped me. i remember one specific blog post i wrote last year about letting go, a friend of mine who doesn’t live here sent me the sweetest message. i remember she said she felt like she couldn’t find the words for what she felt for so long but she finally found them in my words. and i thought, me? what i wrote? my experiences actually helped someone?

yes. yes they did. and that in turn helped me heal in tremendous ways. from not knowing who in the world i was and feeling like i was not in my body at times, like it was not me. up until a few months ago i felt myself healing, finally growing, finally seeing what was so evidently coming next. how Jehovah was going to help me as long as i trusted in Him fully. and now i see it so clearly. i see exactly what i want. i see exactly where i want to be a year from now when i used to not even know what was coming tomorrow. from barely surviving to actually fully living.

so i want to thank every single person who read these posts over the past three years. who reached out and told me how much they helped and how much they relate. i truly love all of you guys. i’ve made friendships out of this blog. wonderful ones to say the least. i’ve become so vulnerable and talked about things that not everyone has the nerve to say, or accept. and i used to be scared but now i get questions and more questions and im so excited for life. i have never been this excited for life. like ever. and i used to think i couldn’t feel this way. obviously everyone has the bad days but i feel myself again. at least im myself and not in my head 24/7- or trying to get out of it, honestly.

growth is what it feels like to lose former versions of ourselves. its the shedding of the skin and the journey to becoming who we truly are. we have to unlearn and grow through who we thought we had to be, so we can just be. – mark groves

thats right- we have to unlearn. bet you’ve never heard that before. everyone says we have to learn and learn and learn and keep going to sometimes the point of exhaustion so that we can turn into this superhuman version of ourselves but sometimes we have to unlearn things. we have to unlearn toxic thinking patterns, toxic coping mechanisms, toxic habits. we have to unlearn our past selves so that we don’t fall back into harmful behavior. so we don’t fall back to running to the same old habits, the same toxic people, the same toxic situations just because thats all we know.

learn to unlearn. learn to let go. learn to let yourself be this new, great version. we can be as good or as bad as we really want to be.

i really dislike resolutions people give themselves in the new year because really we can change whenever but if thats what it takes for you- do it. we all have goals and things to work on. its only human.

now onto the list:

  1. learn how to do taxes and adult stuff- it honestly is important
  2. keep a clean environment- it helps your thinking space, your creative space, your mental space and pretty much everything else. messy life, messy mind.
  3. don’t tell people your business. i see a lot of people around me hype themselves up over things they haven’t fully planned out and then they don’t work out and they’re embarrassed. happens to the best of us.
  4. go out as much as you can (or can tolerate). this one has helped me a lot. i’m not a sociable person but usually i end up feeling better if i just go. i’ve met some incredible people along the way too.
  5. self-care is no joke. i know its hard but like really taking a bath once a week is gonna help or whatever you wanna do to take care of yourself really.
  6. try to shift yourself into a more positive mindset. less “poor me” and more “yay me”.
  7. go to all the good concerts. you could like really miss the chance of ever seeing them again
  8. have a creative outlet or a creative goal in mind. i’d probably go insane if i didn’t have some kind of creative hobby.
  9. quit anything that makes you feel like you want to die or just cry all the time. and i mean this in the most serious way possible- whatever it is just quit it because something better will come along.
  10. don’t suffer alone. i feel like the older we get- the more we tend to think we can’t talk about certain things or issues but there is always, always someone who cares enough about you.
  11. fewer people is always such a better time. than having a million friends whom you have nothing in common with.
  12. i feel like i wrote this on my first 24 things post but stop saying sorry so much. so many people this year have made me feel like i have to apologize for things they’ve done. or things i simply didn’t even do. so i say this to myself again- stop saying sorry so much. but also- say sorry when there is a reason and when you really messed up. even if you didn’t even notice that you did something to offend them. its good to just clear the air.
  13. you don’t need to do everything for everyone. (even friends or family) i know thats just who some of us are, but at one point they need to do things for themselves. sometimes people get comfortable with everything you do that they just rely and rely and rely and keep asking. focus on mutual understanding, respect, and mutual relationships in life.
  14. this ones gonna be random but define your style. i’ve worked for that in the past few months and it helps soo much with confidence and just feeling good in general.
  15. help anyone who needs it. like anyone. drop what you’re doing and just listen because sometimes thats all they need.
  16. just keep traveling a lot. try to squeeze in some alone trips because you honestly learn SO much about yourself.
  17. sometimes you change and someone else changes and things just change but thats part of being an adult and its part of having different goals and sometimes people just don’t fit anymore. and its okay. you eventually find your people and your way.
  18. don’t confuse loneliness for missing them. sometimes we just miss being in a relationship and not the person really.
  19. also you don’t need to be married by 20 contrary to popular belief. don’t let people set you up, tell you you’re picky or that you should marry or date so and so’s son. it doesn’t work that way. arranged marriages are not what we want in 2019 lol. but really- just don’t pay any mind to it.
  20. honestly if you know you have anxiety, if you know you have depression or something along the lines- please please please get some help before it gets out of hand. it won’t just go away. even if its a natural doctor if you’re against meds. its the best thing you can do for you. in a year you could be in a much better, much more beautiful place.
  21. really think about and solidify your goals. make a plan, make a list. write down exactly what you need to do in order to get where you need to. remember why you started. whatever you thought of- remember the why. its your driving force.
  22. no, you actually don’t need a boyfriend. you just need to be happy.
  23. sometimes people don’t love you the way you need to be loved. and its okay. you don’t have to be the only one communicating or confronting. relationships with others should honestly just be mutual. not equal, but mutual. because sometimes you need to pick up the other person and thats okay. my longest standing friendships are the ones i’ve never even had an argument with because there’s always communication that in the end, there’s not even room for issues to come up.
  24. love yourself, love the people who love you. love the people who don’t love you. love the people you used to love but things happened. honestly my biggest goal in life is to just love everyone. no matter if things happened between us that can no longer be fixed. you still have a place in my heart, i’ll still pick up the phone if you call. that kind of love. the good kind of love.

thank you guys for reading. i hope you all continue to be positive and work through whatevers coming next because this life isn’t getting any easier. i hope you love people and i hope they love you.

and i hope with all my heart that everyone finds what they’re supposed to, and everyone finds their way because i well know what its like to be lost.

with so much love, as always. – vi

Standard