adventure, blog, goals, life, lifestyle, love, mental health, new beginnings, photography, self love

the “adults” are talking

i’m pretty sure everyone at this point feels like “when this is over” is more of a wish than a reality. when this is over- i’ll spend more time with the people i love. when this is over, i’ll travel more. when this is over, i’ll be better to the people around me. i can’t say i haven’t thought that way too.

i think that if this pandemic has taught me anything- its that not only what i need, but also what i want is very simple.

i guess what im saying is i want something good. at the end of the day, i want good things. isn’t that what everyone wants? i know for every individual thats going to look different- but what i want is simple. i know that life is not all fun and games and like a movie- i would know that firsthand. but i know those simple, but beautiful moments have to exist somewhere in this life. there must be some place for them in my life. they must be coming, right? 

im almost 24 this year and well- handling myself alone hasn’t been easy its remained a practical skill. especially when i havent been able to count on most people in my life for extended amounts of time except a solid few. i think that i always forget that i do deserve certain things. certain things are just human rights i think. im always looking around me and everyone always has one happy thing. a good form of support- kids, a partner, a safe and happy childhood. i dont ever remember what thats like. ive been standing in the rain on my own for a long time. i think thats why i don’t like the rain. everything is pouring down and there’s no way to stop it. it stops whenever it wants to. it doesn’t ask us for permission. yet, we still have to continue with our lives because thats just the way it is. most of us can’t afford to take the liberty of halting our lives when things go wrong. most of the time were forced to keep going not knowing when it’ll stop. thats what adults are supposed to do right? at least no one can notice you’re crying when its already raining.

i think a lot of people around me now don’t know how my life was before. and i guess thats a good thing. because some of them would never even guess. i also think its very important to acknowledge and make peace with the fact that you went through things you weren’t supposed to go through. when people would tell me when i was younger that the purpose of some things was to help me mature it always made me feel a little sick. i know they meant well, but in what world are bad things supposed to make you feel better about yourself? i always asked myself that. i mean- they only make you better if you let them make you better. the difference was i didn’t let them make me bitter. i just never let myself believe any of those things adults would tell me at the time. what a ridiculous thing to say i would think. but i guess now i know what they meant. lately i can’t relate to anything else more than when meredith grey is laying in her bed wide awake before the alarm even rings.

sometimes im wide awake before my alarm even rings. did i finish that thing? how much time do i have left before i go to work? how many things are on my to-do list today? when was that appointment again? when was the last time i called my mom?? can i afford to take a nap today?

yes- all very valid questions. but that just gives you an idea of how overwhelmed my brain is most of the time.

“we’re adults- when did that happen? and how do we make it stop?” – also mer.(someone please stop me from rewatching greys and being heartbroken all over again??)

the truth is- at least i think so, is that being an adult means being tired all the time. there is no turning back. i can’t even drink wine these days without feeling like im dying the next morning. when did that happen? i love wine.

this year of introspection has taught me that this is most like likely how things will always be for me. its time i was at least okay with it. away from new york- or at least before moving up here, i was constantly stuck in situations that made me feel so helpless. like i was in the rain, like i mentioned earlier. and i couldn’t get out of them. as much as I tried.

but i also think that being an adult means that you get to be as happy as you want. as happy as you choose. moving away alone was one of the best things i’ve done for my own health. i no longer have to feel guilty when i am happy. when something good happens. its hard to walk around eggshells. i don’t have to do that anymore. i no longer have to downplay the good things in my life. coming from a place of being stuck in a constant loophole- i felt like my little happy moments were lived on my own. on the rooftop of my old house. in my favorite coffee shop in town. i had to stick up for and be happy for myself- especially when no one was watching. if i told you how i thought things would be right now- you wouldn’t believe it. i don’t even believe that there are things that i once wanted. and i will always be grateful that i didn’t end up with those things. because then i wouldn’t have known what it would be like to share my happy moments with other people. not only keep them to myself- but i actually get to share them with other people. i have a family of people who would do anything to see me happy. whatever that means for me. these days the things that i hope for are different. you would think that just one year wouldn’t change much about someone- but it does- it really does. i even looked different when i first got here. my hair was different, the way i dressed, the way i talked, the way i carried myself. i was so scared of anything going wrong again.

these days- these days i don’t hope for love or relationships or someone bringing me the moon and the stars. these days i just hope to be happy. i just hope to be content. even if contentness means being on my own. that is the way it has always been. i hope by then i learn to embrace it too. to not value my worth by how many people love me. i want my worth to be contingent on not how others love me- but how i choose to live and feel, and breathe, and love. i want my worth to just be something that comes naturally to me- not something i constantly feel like i have to work to deserve. i want to deserve to be worthy. i just want to be worthy. that’s what i hope for myself these days. i want to appreciate the fact the quality of love i have from the few friends that i have is all that matters. i want to remember that whenever i start feeling like everyone will leave again. that is how most of my endings have gone- but now looking back- its not like any of those relationships were very strong to begin with. i think the problem was me. i put in so much love and effort into every single relationship i build with someone that i forget to make sure that the person on the receiving end even wants it. i don’t know if that makes me brave or foolish.

which one am i? i don’t know. and as much as i try- i don’t know. sometimes i feel so anxious over things that make no sense and other times i’m so brave i wish i could record myself. sometimes i’m so brave that when i come home i smile at myself in the mirror. sometimes, just sometimes i feel so brave that i feel like nothing anyone ever says about me will ever matter anymore. i wonder what’s best, you know? do you keep loving people even when you know they will leave? do you wait for the ending and hope for a different outcome or do you leave before you get left? i wish i had the right answer to that. the truth is- at least to me, it always depends on the specific situation. whether you keep trying or not is up to you.

flummoxed. do you know what that means? it means that you don’t know what to do in a given situation.

we number our days and divide them as if we’re trying to go through a checklist instead of making time the precious thing that it is. these days i’ve been calling my mom more, and my grandma- even when it breaks my heart that she doesn’t remember who i am sometimes. these days ive been trying to remember that my parents are just normal people and that they tried their best. just like i was shaped by them, they were shaped by their own parents. i grew up wondering what it would be like to have a normal life. and now sometimes i miss the crazy life i had back home. there were dark moments growing up- more dark then good ones. but the good ones were really good. they were amazing. and they gave me that. my dysfunctional family did. i may be nothing like my parents (or so im told) but i think they’d be proud of the daughter they have. at least i would hope so. communication was never my strong suit with them- which happens to be something i emphasize so much in my current relationships with others. i want to be sure that i’m showing up as much as i can.

these days ive been trying to forget all the things that once bothered me.

i want to live a life that doesn’t make me regret how ive lived up until now. i’ve supported myself through the years and honestly as hard as it was, i’m glad that i did. it would be really hard for me to move anywhere at all had i not known the harsh reality early on. i know what its like to feel like your heart is breaking and still have to put it back together before getting up the next morning. and i dont say it lightly or to feel bad for myself. at this point- i don’t feel bad for myself nor would want any attention for it. i wouldn’t wish any of those things on anyone else. i would rather other people around me realize that they don’t have to go through hardships in order to be understanding people. after all this time- its what i value the most in others: their ability to be compassionate even when they don’t understand fully. i’ve always wanted to live a life that teaches me how others feel. and thats why i surround myself by people who do just that.¬†

i know what it’s like to not get what you want. time after time after time. thats exactly why i don’t expect much these days. and that might sound pessimistic to some- but to me its one of the most positive things ive ever done. to not expect the kind of effort i put in- from others. we are not all the same and we do not all love the same. we do not all get angry or sad or worried just the same. that would be really boring. i’ve been appreciating looking at the details people give me. and the space and the respect. i tell my friends this a lot- but im so happy with how the past year has turned out. it exceeded a lot of expectations. or i guess lack of expectations. i finally have let my guard down just enough for people to help me. and to help me in ways i’ve never been helped before. i even ask for it now when i need it. slowly my mind had been changing. i don’t even recognize the girl i was one year ago. the person i was then, was someone who would strive to fix every broken thing in her life. friends, family, you name it. i tried to fix and by myself. i wasn’t used to people respecting any boundaries i set. that just didn’t exist in my life. i couldn’t say no without feeling like a horrible person. i couldn’t just let others walk away from me. i even thought my boundaries were just too much for others.¬†

but now i’ve turned into someone who respects her own boundaries. none of my current friends ever ask for explanations. they respect my space. they respect my life and my decisions. it all makes me feel so at ease. this past year has been free of begging others to respect my space. this past year has been free of friendships that just don’t work out. this past year has been free of me feeling guilty every time i say no. this year had been free of so much stress i didn’t even know i was dealing with.¬†

having to be an adult is the hardest thing in the world. but it can be the only time in our lives that can bring us the happiest moments of our lives. the scariest ones too. but how would we learn to recognize the great great moments if there isn’t any sad ones. they must come at some point. sometimes, sometimes they come more often than the happy ones.

i know i said i hate the rain- but i hope that one day i don’t. i hope one day it doesn’t make me sad.

maybe on day ill be watching the rain fall through the clouds- and i’ll remember how i felt today. like my world was ending once again- but that day i hope to feel calm. and content. i hope to be smiling at the rain. i hope to be content, and a lot more brave than i am now.

-vi

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adventure, blog, goals, life, lifestyle, love, mental health, new beginnings, new year

a reason to stay.

for as long as I can remember, my life has been about running from everything that scares me. everyone who knows me well, know that i’m a very calculating person when it comes to almost everything. and what i mean by that is i have a daily to-do list and a master to-do list. among many other things i do in an effort to control my life. i do this with mostly everything, except anything i’m scared of. when i tell you i run-i don’t think you’d know how fast.

even when i didn’t realize thats what i was doing. before even really thinking about it, i was getting on an airplane to go live with my best friend for who knows how long, all because i wanted to stop hearing my mom ask me what i was going to do with my life now. at 17- i wasn’t even sure what that meant. what did i want to do? and why? i had always been pretty decisive. but all of the sudden, everything was closing in on me. i spent all this time being this girl who didn’t really mind if people disagreed with what i did or didn’t do. but there i was. at the airport- knowing that 1) i had brought way too much clothes to a tropical place and, 2) that this was the moment i knew, i knew that i was running away. thats where it started, to say the least. if i could pin-point a moment in time, that would be the one. there was so much more to the random choice i had made, but the truth is i was really just running away from my own head. being only 18 the first time i left home- it felt like everything i was looking for. i worked just enough to be okay. i lived with my best friend. i cried whenever i had to. i laughed whenever i felt like it. i went to the beach whenever i wanted to. i knew which secret entrance to go through and would stop by to get falafels at my favorite place. i could spend hours there. i miss that feeling. is there a word that describes the feeling of wanting to freeze a moment in time? thats what life felt like then. i felt like i was my own person for the first time in a long time. i was no longer the girl who felt pressured to decide what i was going to do tomorrow. or even the next day, or even the day after that. in that moment in time, i didn’t feel like all the responsibilities i had been given without asking for them, i felt like they were gone. is that what it feels like to have no problems? that feeling lasted a while. a good while. but reality always hits you like a truck, to say the least. eventually you have to go home. even if its to the most dreadful place on earth. no more days spent on the beach, but instead days spent busy from morning to night. my days were shuffled between 5 am wake up calls for early morning service with friends (bless their hearts), working at a restaurant and going to night school. my days were endless. i remember this like it was yesterday. one day it was almost midnight and i was doing my anatomy homework with tears in my eyes, and i really really wish i was kidding about that. but i’m not. my mom slid a cup of coffee to me. what a depressing time to be me- i thought to myself. ahhhhh little vi had no idea. none whatsoever. this was the easy part, really.

in reality- yes, that was not the hardest part of my life yet. i remember feeling so lost after all of that though. like no matter how much i did, it still wasn’t enough for the people around me. at the end of the day i was just tired and over caffeinated. and found no real reasons to stay in one place. if it wasn’t for the people i love, i’m not sure what would have kept me there for so long. i think maybe i didn’t know myself well enough to know what i was doing. and how living to try to meet others expectations was never going to make me happy. in reality, it wasn’t making me happy. my parents were happy, my friends would tell me i had it together- but on the inside it was the complete opposite. so from that point on- i promised myself that whenever things got bad, i would go somewhere new. somewhere i had never been before. and i can’t say it didn’t help. it did. but there was still some kind of surreal happiness i felt away from all the things that hurt me- and it all quickly faded away as soon as i was flying back home. my reality isn’t what i wanted. i always wondered why it felt so devastating to go back home. now i think it had a lot to do with my perceptions. and all the burdens we associate to one place in general. when in reality, it really is just a town you grew up in. what was hurting me was the way i was perceived. the way that whenever i wanted to be a better person- i was met with humiliation. is that harsh? yes, no? i’m not sure anymore. but to be honest- this isn’t anything i wouldn’t say to someones face. in fact- i don’t think its something i haven’t said before.

anyone who knows me well, knows how much i love taylor. and some of my newfound favorite lyrics of her can describe how i felt in that moment in my life:

“when you are young, they assume you know nothing.”

it was a feeling of wanting to run as fast as i could. nights spent praying asking for not things i wanted, but just to please at least get what i needed if i couldn’t get what i wanted. it was a feeling of craving understanding more than anything else. it was being met with disappointment and humiliation by the people i considered my family and friends- all because i wanted to a be a better person. all because i wanted to be happy. its something i never quite understood. i guess eldest child syndrome is a real thing. but i knew even things that i wasn’t supposed to know. even things i didn’t want to know. its being scared to not be good enough while also striving to be the best version of yourself just so your parents didn’t have to worry about you. if i did everything right- they wouldn’t have to worry. after all, they had so many other things to worry about, they had other children to worry about. if i do nothing to worry anyone, if i never mess up, everyone will be happier. it was this unspoken need to be a poster child. thats what i lived with for years on end. it made me a people pleaser and an approval seeker without even realizing it. its one of those things you can’t control though- i wouldn’t change having my little sisters for the world. they are the most precious things on this planet to me. but sometimes, sometimes i wish i wouldn’t have had to grow up so fast. i would just smile when people would tell me how mature i was for my age- when in reality i was holding it all inside. opinions and all. i was too scared to say the wrong thing. i was too scared to mess up. i had this unspoken promise with myself that i would do everything possible to not make anyone worry. this obviously ended up blending into every other area of my life.

and when i felt like i was an old cardigan, under someone’s bed- you put me on and said i was your favorite.”

there are very counted people i consider close to me in this life. very counted people who have seen me in the worst state of mind i could’ve possibly been in. have you ever met someone and wonder where in the world they’ve been all your life? its as if they were sent to you somehow. as if there was nothing that could’ve prevented you from meeting them.  its when you meet these unexpected people and they turn into unexpected blessings- its then that you realize there’s a glimmer of hope deep inside you. the one that was going away- they help you keep it. its so simple. its so so simple. she understands me even when i feel crazy- is exactly what was going through my mind when i met one of my best friends now. but that is really how it feels when you meet people you have connections with- like you were forgotten and somehow in this lifetime- they found you. and in that moment you can’t help but feel thankful for being able to exist at the same time as them. for sharing some of the best and worst years of life with them. that is what it all comes down to. these are the same people that have seen me go from ‘i can’t live without him’ and ‘i can’t possibly survive this’ to ‘i’m really, actually happy’ and ‘i’m moving away for good.’

even in the middle of a stupid pandemic- my life is really beautiful now. when i was 18, i came to new york for the first time ever. and even back then, i knew this is where i wanted to be someday. i couldn’t quite do it then, as much as i wanted to unpack my bags and stay- i was still too scared. i was still running from so many things, so many i wouldn’t even have been able to number them for you if you asked. i really wish there was enough words to describe how i felt back then. something as monotonous as driving or eating or walking around, or even being sad always felt like it would be better if it was done in new york. i dare to say- its the best place on earth. even now, every time i see and exit sign that says New York City- i freak out a little bit inside. and yes- the rent is astronomical and everything is expensive and sometimes people are mean for no reason and driving through jersey is the worst thing you could possibly imagine.

but there’s one single, but very important thing it does have: it holds a reason to stay. 

the one thing i hadn’t felt in what felt like forever. this place carried so much of me all at once. it finally felt like home. even when bad things would happen. i still wanted to stay. i  think so many random things have gone wrong in the past few months- now would’ve been the perfect time for me to run as fast as i could. but i didn’t. 

for once- i wanted to stay. 

for once- every ounce of me wanted to be here no matter what. the words that i had told myself years ago when i had first come here were essentially true- even if you’re sad, its still a better day here than being sad anywhere else.

“when you’re young you just run, but you come back to what you need.”

now, now i want nothing else but to stay where i am. i want nothing more than to be at my best friends apartment, in our small town with literally one grocery store. i don’t need anything else but this now. we cry, we laugh, we talk about everything that hurts and everything that makes us happy. we all do our own thing while existing in the same space. it would seem like nothing from the outside looking in- but i’ve come to realize that this means everything. i’m not alone anymore. it doesn’t matter what comes next because i have everything i need. all three of us- hugging each other and crying in han’s living room. every time i remember it, i can’t help but think about how grateful i am to be this happy. i forgot that i deserved that.

 “remind yourself that you are not the only person in this world who loves like that. there are people out there that will love you the way you love others. there are people out there who will give you the kind of love you have always given to everyone else. there are human beings in the world who would do anything just to love you, just to keep you in their lives, just to care for you. they exist. believe in that goodness. believe that you are worthy of it.”-bianca sparacino

back when i was around 19, every time i would come home every day i felt like nothing was changing and everything was the same and every day i’d come home and i felt very at the time but there was one thing i would notice very time came home that didn’t change every day. that is the last turn i would take to turn into my street was a stop light so as i was waiting- it was always at 5:30 give or take- there was a flock of birds that would fly across every single day in a formation. and i always thought that was beautiful. that they knew what to do without anyone having to tell them. the sky could be different colors, it could be winter or summer, it could be raining or sunny but they always remained the same. sometimes, as strange as it sounds- i would ask myself if they ever got tired of it? i honestly don’t know if they did (i mean-do birds even have that capacity? probably not) but either way i always thought of that. and honestly- it really kept me going for a while. they would do the same thing every day but wouldn’t complain or just stop doing it one day. it always made me think about how even when i felt stuck, when I felt tired, when i felt like i was doing the same thing every single day and i wasn’t getting anywhere- in reality i was getting somewhere. and that was such a pretty thing. that i was still moving forward, i was still trying very single day even when it felt like i’d never get anywhere.  i guess deep inside of me i felt like i’d never heal

i thought i needed apologies before being able to heal before, but in reality i just needed to apologize to myself for being so hard on myself all the time. for thinking that healing would be linear- i should very well know by now that its not. healing is messy and it takes years. and even when you’ve healed, your body remembers what your mind doesn’t. the anniversaries or landmark dates that used to take space in your head before are now just a random day in september that looks like just like any other day. you go to work or school or its your day off and you don’t know why you feel a pit in your stomach but you do. and then you try to just keep yourself busy all day only to end up sad for absolutely no reason (or so you think).

and then it slips into your mind. today was the day you always dreaded. they day that used to remind you of good things or bad things or things you no longer know how to feel about. so i guess thats what healing really is. you forget. you really really do. you forget what peoples voices sound like, or what they look like when they’re happy (you used to know in a heartbeat right?). or what they look like when they’d wipe the tears off your face. you forget why that type of tea is now your favorite because its just natural to you now. but once in a while it slips into your mind- they showed you that. but it doesn’t hurt anymore. and the thing is- just like healing isn’t linear, forgetting people isn’t either. we can forget or even think we forget everything about them but still, even now-we carry parts of all the people we’ve ever loved in ourselves. so we should be thankful for that.

“but we were something, don’t you think so ?”

and i guess its true- no one in this world ever gets used to being left. but when you think of the bigger picture now- you can see how they led us to where we are now, and all the things we can offer to other people now have bits and pieces of our pasts intertwined with our future. they led us to where we are now. none of us are as unique as we think that we are. we are all made up of all the love we’ve ever been given. and all the pain too. those people were really something. and we were something to them. some of the greatest stories end before we think they will.

but hey- the sun comes up right?

just like flowers, sometimes we wither when the lights come off and we don’t get enough water. but then the sun comes, it always comes out again. and we bloom again, and someone remembers to give us water. or it rains and we get it without expecting it. but we bloom. maybe not as best as we did last time or the first time when none of the troubles of this world had worn us out yet.

but nevertheless- we do grow in the midst of it all. and the sun comes out again. thats something i’ve learned time and again. and something i’ve come to appreciate more than most things. whenever i’ve been in the darkest rooms- the only thing that could sometimes get through to me was knowing that things could get better again. that i would laugh until i cried with my friends again or that i would laugh while crying to them. thats the beauty in between the pain. that we have been created with the capacity to regenerate ourselves time and again. to mend our broken little hearts time after time. i’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how broken your past is, there’s always the most beautiful opportunity that can kind of change everything. you let it make you better. more loving, kind, with more understanding of what others go through.  when we know what its like to smile through hardships- we learn to recognize the same behavior in the people around us.

i’m almost sure that this is the longest post i’ve written so far (leave it to me to analyze my whole life through a new ts album, right?)- but there are really so many things that have left me thinking after being here for almost a year. after deciding to stay time after time when i could just as easily run away. for finding my own reasons to stay after it being a pretty innate quality to me at this point in my 23 years of life to just go when life gets hard. but learning to appreciate things i never really saw before, learning to make it on my own, not pretending anymore. that has been plenty right there. i see myself now and i see someone who didn’t let herself become bitter over the past but instead worked hard to stop running from it.

and to this day- i keep adding things to my list. my list of reasons to stay where i am now.

these days- its been beach days. and stay-cations. and learning to live and to stay and to stay and to stay once again. its learning to to understand that when people say they will stay they do mean it- just because others haven’t meant it in the past doesn’t mean it’ll happen again. these days its the “whatever you need me for’s” and the obvious but unexpected blessings in the form of people. its my best friend teaching me how to take care of my annoying curly hair for the first time. its the deleting your exe’s phone number (its not like you’d actually use it anyway, right? what a drag). its telling myself and repeating to myself that no one in their right minds would actually, willingly give me up like i was nothing. its what everyone who loves me truly around me tells me now. so its about time i start believing that right?

 isn’t that something? almost a year later and i wasn’t sure how this year would exactly pan out- and honestly didn’t envision a pandemic in my near future- but here we are. here i am. seemingly in the most comfortable place i’ve ever been with myself. and although in my head and nostalgia i’d imagined a whole summer in the city, going to concerts and coffee shops, running around brooklyn ( my favorite place ugh)- this summer was okay. it was my first summer in new york, it was different- not as hot as arizona, but just hot enough to feel like a real summer.

this morning i walked out and it felt like fall. and i had never felt that in august. and it felt nice. it felt hopeful. it felt like introspection. like when everything connects and comes full circle without you asking it to.

here’s to another new york year. here’s to another year of discovering what violet is really capable of. hopefully much more happiness, i hope she gets that, i really really do. i hope she doesn’t give up on what she knows she needs and wants. and i hope the next year brings her more of that. 

-vi

 

 

 

 

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adventure, blog, goals, life, love, mental health, new beginnings, rooftop, self love

april showers

“perhaps the names we cherish in our hearts are like our diaries, journals, and precious records of our lives.

 

-tune in for love (movie)

i’ve been thinking a lot about what i want to write, how ¬†i want it to feel. over the past few months, a lot of things for all of us have changed, in the matter of a few days. now we probably have time to think, maybe too much time to think. i guess for me, i’ve had more time to write. i guess that always helps me explain the way ¬†i feel. so let me start with this.

 

have you ever been somewhere and you just want to remember it so clearly? i think these moments are counted. when you’re not worried about the way you look or how you think your smile is not pretty enough. when you can feel the happiness in your chest. like it couldn’t wait to come out? like you want to capture the feeing and keep it for whenever you feel like you can’t go on? thats what i want to be for other people.thats what i’ve been thinking of lately. i want to be someone they can come home to. someone who’s door they can show up at crying or beaming with happiness. someone that other people have been to me. a little pocket of happiness on your saddest days. thats what i want to be.¬†

i guess i forgot how much i love to write. ¬†i randomly find myself writing things down in the middle of the day or when i wake up early or when i can’t sleep (you should see my desk). and ¬†i guess i really missed that feeling. ever since ¬†i moved here- i have been different. i know that now. and i don’t say this often about myself- but i am so proud. in my earlier years- the situation that were living in would have probably thrown me into a spiral. sitting alone with my overthinking capabilities is not something that would’ve, how can i say this? it wouldn’t have been something good in my life. and i’m definitely not saying this situation is ideal. i miss my people and ¬†i miss mindlessly doing things ¬†i never thought would be taken away. but in the middle of all of this chaos- i realized that i can now deal with it. and at one point i couldn’t handle a lot of things. i guess some of it is valuing my worth. the other bit of it all these random systems i unknowingly built for myself. ¬†i hardly ever let myself get to the point of breaking down anymore. my body knows what to do.¬†

it usually goes this way, more or less. i wake up and feel like its all catching up. i make myself eat, drink a lot of water. sometimes i go on really long walks and listen to fix you by coldplay and sometimes that does the trick. now, when i’m so tired and i really can’t sleep, i remember that ill only feel that way tonight. that its not temporary. looking at the sky always helps. i remember at my old house, I would go up to the roof at night when i couldn’t sleep. i’d stay there for hours. that place brings me back to a lot of things. like¬†accepting the possibility of being alone. finding good people even when you thought you were done for. forgiving people doesn’t mean you like what they did. differentiating a change of heart and not caring. the difference between loving and embracing change vs just accepting it. asking myself if i would ever be okay? and will it be okay if i never am?

going up to the roof is the only thing that made me feel better for a whole year. all because of someone who was never worth it to begin with. but it taught me that not many things can still be a problem after looking at the sky for a while. it taught me the value of remembering what i did have. even in the most painful moments of my life. i had so many good things. and i started writing again. i actually started writing again through a really hard time in my life. i felt as if i could let go of all my emotions once i put them into words.

is this what moving on feels like? is this what growing up feels like?

this is what that feels like. like a dumb indie movie. you always know how it ends but you watch it anyways. thats how it feels like to watch myself live now. thats how it feels at the end of the movies when the main character is dancing at the beach alone, or taking a drive with her friends with the best song in the background. preferably to come on eileen (if you know where that’s from, i love you).¬†

it sounds ridiculously cheesy to say that at a time like this. at a time where i’m not even sure what the next few months will bring. i would usually feel guilty. but i don’t. i have bad days just like everyone else. but if I told you what my bad days looked like years ago, you would understand if i chose the bad days now. it gets better. thats what i was telling my sister today. it gets better. you can get through crappy friends. you can get through a hard time at home. you can get through being looked down on just because you’re not the same as everyone else. you can go through all of that and still have a soft heart. you can get through all of that if you never lose the sense of who you are. if you never lose hope even when you’re about to. every time i felt hopeless through the years (and unfortunately didn’t have harry styles new music) i would ask myself, vi…what if things DO get better? what if you DO find good people? what if you DO get over that boy? what if you DO get to be happy? what if you just hold out a little while longer and you DO get what you need. what if you just keep that small thread of hope and you get what you’ve been praying for?¬†

and i guess what i’m saying is that you get there. its never ever easy. it definitely wasn’t for me. there are things that will affect and have shaped me for the rest of my life. no matter how much i try for them not to. and to accept. to reallllly really accept that you went through that and process it is harder than it looks. some people will never know what thats like. but i can almost always tell now when someone has really been through it. its the kindest, most loving people in my life who have been through the worst of the messy waters that there’s been. the people who have probably shed more tears than anyone else i know. but i like to think those people exist to show you the way out. to show you that there will be those few people who won’t run away. who will climb into the dark side with you and walk with you until you’re strong enough to handle it on your own. and they can do it because they’ve already walked through it.¬†

trust that you are growing, even in the dark. 

trust that you are healing, even in the quiet.

-bianca sparacino

 

even in the dark, and even in the quiet times, we are continuously growing. 

and you see, all my life. my whole life, my whole identity revolved around trying not to be the odd one out. in my family i always was. even in my group of friends back home. i never knew if people knew what they were doing, but i would be lying if i said it didn’t affect me. i would be lying if i said i didn’t question myself all the time growing up. something a teenage girl shouldn’t have to do. why are you so quiet? you might end up alone. why are you not going out? why do you read so much? why why why. and more. years of peer pressure and feeling insufficient. most of my time growing up was spent alone for this reason. and lately i’ve been asking myself, violet what would you tell yourself then?¬†

i would tell my 12 year old self that 10 years from now, her life would be good. i would tell her to keep holding on. just like she always has. just like dad always tells you. to always, always be strong. even when things get scary. even when you’re not sure if you should speak up. even when you’re not sure if you should do the right thing. even when you’re scared, you have to be strong. and things will be better. you’ll never believe you worked up the nerve to start a blog. oh, and you went to europe with your best friend. and you loved someone who broke your heart, but you also came out of that okay. you survived things at home, and in life, and in love. and you made it out.¬†

it has taken me 22 years to learn to love myself. to accept the imperfect person i am. i realized i never gave myself room for mistakes. so whenever things went wrong, which was constantly, it was hard to not take it to heart. i now find myself laughing when things go wrong. i don’t even ask people for reasons anymore when they apologize. because it doesn’t matter anymore. i don’t flinch anymore when i hear certain names. not even on the inside. i don’t stutter when i talk about my past anymore. i don’t feel like i’m drowning anymore. and it would be really ridiculous to just let anyone undo all that work, right?

¬†i think i’ve said this to a couple of my close friends when they ask me what its like. what its like to feel happy now. and i can only describe it as this: i had this idea of who i was growing up, but it all felt like a fantasy because i was never seen that way. and now i am. it feels like coming home my own self. i just thought of that, and i like the way it sounds. and i love the way it feels. i thought it was just me at first, but then i started asking the people around me what they thought of me. what my strengths and weaknesses were, what they valued in me as a person. and i almost always got this as the answer: you are introverted, but we know that when you love someone, you really love them. its deep. and i love that. i love that more than words can express. and the best part, is that they are okay with everything i am. i never feel like i have to change my values or my words or pretty much anything about myself. i never have to worry about being embarrassed or uncomfortable. i never have to worry about being too much or too little. this is it. this is the biggest leap of faith i have ever taken. and to think the this would be the outcome. i can’t stop smiling while writing this. this is probably one of the happiest posts i’ve written in a long time. it feels good.

¬†i wrote a while back, about seasons and how things are always changing in our lives. and to be completely honest, back then i felt as if my world might end if the next season was worse than whatever one i was in. but now i’m not worried, now i look forward to the new things. and maybe things can get bad again, i won’t know that until i’m there. but i’m not scared anymore. i took the biggest leap to be where i am. so a lot of things don’t feel as scary as they did before. i used to pray a lot about getting what i needed even if it wasn’t what i wanted. and now i have more than i would have ever needed in this life. surely more than i deserve.¬†

i feel as if all those times spent telling myself to hold on have turned me into the kind of person who works for what she wants. the girl who used to cry before class or work, kept crying sometimes (realistically) but she also pulled it together and went inside anyways. i’m not afraid of telling people how i feel anymore. i’m not scared of telling people i love them anymore. of letting them in. because a lot of things can change. most things in this life are so temporary that its hard to keep up. but what’s not going to change is the memories. so i want to strive to do the most with what i have, because its all i have right now. so go the extra mile. sometimes your friends aren’t okay, sometimes they don’t act like themselves but wouldn’t you want your people to love you anyways. to love you especially when you feel like you’re hard to love. thats what i wanted my whole life. so now its what i’ve turned into. and i get that wearing your heart on your sleeve isn’t everyones jam. but its definitely mines. and i love it. i want to look back years from now and know that i did everything, everything for the people i’ve loved. i don’t want anyone to have bad memories of me. and i know thats completely impossible. someone out there is bound to have a bad memory of me. but i really want to try my hardest. i really really do.¬†

 

 

 

they will be precious records in my life. and in other peoples lives too. and that’s all i need now. i’ve been through what i hope was the worst part of my life. and i understand that things won’t all be good just because i like myself now. but i’m at least hoping that the good records, the good people that have come in and out of my life will hold me over if things happen again. truth is, i never expect things not to get bad. but i always see it as an opportunity to do better now. to be better. to be closer to yourself. because fortunately and unfortunately the trials are what shape us into who we are. and isn’t that something?¬†

i thought my life would like a lot different than it does right now. if you asked me, i would’ve chosen something else at the time, to be painfully honest. but i can only be happy to know this is how things worked out. right now, right now i’m happy that all the april showers happened. they seemed continuous. like they were never going to stop. i never lived in a place that made me think of that saying, but now i do. and it hasn’t stopped raining.

but much like my life the last few years, i knew the rain would stop. i didn’t know how long it would take, but i knew if i did i would witness something beautiful.

and the flowers will bloom. and it will be beautiful. it might not be everything you imagined. because who wants to be rained on so much? but the sun does come out, i promise you it does. if¬†you’re¬†looking for a sign this it it.¬†it’ll¬†be okay. you¬†always¬†had it in you.¬†

finding yourself is actually returning to yourself.
an unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.
– emily mcdowell

 

 

love, vi.

 

 

 

 

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adevneture, blog, goals, life, new beginnings, new year, photography, self love

24 things i learned in 2019

nothing changes, if nothing changes.

half of my 2019 was the worst and half of it was the best. this year i faced the worst of the worst fears that i had.

and i mean, it was honestly terrifying. but just like every year- we survive. its what we do. and i know, time is just an earthly measure of time that our brains sort of understand, but one year can really pick your brain and teach you a lot you didn’t know about yourself.

this past year i lost a lot of things.

starting with myself. i want to think that this was my peak point. the two years before that i felt very *floaty* and thats the only way i can describe my emotions and my life. like i was just floating and letting things happen because i felt like i literally could not control anything. and whatever i would try to control just wouldn’t work or it would go the total opposite direction. so i just let things happen to me. i want to say i even stopped trying at a certain point. i *knew* what my end goal was for this year which was moving to new york. but, even in that sense i felt no control over my plans at times. thankfully, i know i was blessed because everything worked out in ways that i never would have even imagined.

i lost people i NEVER thought i would lose. like when i say never, i mean never. ever ever. ever. one of those people, im honestly glad i lost. it taught me the value of being able to walk away even when you love someone. because if you value yourself as a person, you will have to walk away from people who hurt you. who openly hurt you and did for more years than should be allowed. this was the exact point at a restaurant in march where i lost it and i said no. and i took my power back. i took back the years of making myself small for someone else. someone who was never going to love me just as much as i loved him. and thats the moment i remembered who i was. thats the exact moment i found myself again. i want to take a moment to say how much i appreciate all the friends who helped me see the light in everything. who honestly held my hand and helped me through the messy waters.

the other person- i just honestly didn’t see it coming. i wish i could’ve done something to stop it. anything to stop the distance and the not catching up with eachother and letting eachother go over time. i know we can’t change the past- but there’s a lot to be said about wishing you could’ve just maybe done something else? something to make things go a different way. i wish i could tell her that she was one of the best people i’ve ever met. and that i love her. that i would have never survived without her. that sometimes, even though im very far away from her, i think of her. i think of her every day and i only hope for the best. i only hope for her to be happy. i only hope one day she’s not as mad as she seems to be at me, and we can just laugh about it and pretend it was all just a bad dream. but every bone in my body tells me we will never be those 20 year olds on the roof ever again.

and i guess thats what growing up is. you lose and you learn. and as hard as it is- you accept that some people played a bigger part in your life and story than you did in theirs. that maybe you just always loved them more. and thats okay.

i lost my fear of failing. which in hindsight- is a good thing. i decided to do things that terrfied me without knowing what the outcome would be. and hey- i’ve learned more about myself in the past 3 months than i’ve learned in the past 2 years. and that has to be something.

i lost my need to be organized and rigid and perfect 24/7. i was that girl. and although i generally still am- i don’t beat myself up over it anymore. i live a busy life. and sometimes that means i eat pb&j sandwiches all week because i barely have time to breathe. and sometimes i know that if i even think of laying down in the middle of the day i will fall asleep. and these have been the busiest, craziest, happiest, loveliest 3 months of my life. and i feel like before i might’ve thought i was happy. but man, am i happy. things are never easy, and they aren’t all what i thought they would be. they are expensive and time consuming (can someone say laundromats?) and sometimes annoying. but they are so happy. living this simply and out of my comfort zone i was sure i’d lack something but no- i’ve gained so much.

this is the first place in my entire life where i finally feel like i fit in. like this is what my whole life was leading up to. its full potential.

there are about 8 things more or less i want to do this year:

  1. complete my service hours!!! hard but doable.
  2. learn how to play the ukulele and start making more covers.
  3. hopefully get into dancing again (missin my ballet shoes righ abt now)
  4. have a healthy relationship with myself, my body and food.
  5. this year i want to create more. more videos, more film. more happy genuine documenting. it makes me so happy so i need to do more of it.
  6. go to the city and watch a broadway musical
  7. somehow get my hands on a super 8mm film camera. it would make my total and complete life.
  8. do things that genuinely make me happy every single day. little joys. its the little joys.

and heres what i supposedly learned:

  1. i will never under any circumstances work a full time job again- that is a vow and promise i will make to myself for forever
  2. love shows up in so many different ways. you just have to pay attention
  3. love languages are real. pay attention to them!!!
  4. its okay to miss people. its okay to tell them. it doesn’t make you weak. it makes you human.
  5. its okay that your conscience is different than someone else’s. it doesn’t make you stuck up or polished or whatever. it just to me- makes you a more aware person.
  6. how much i love my family and my culture. as i was getting ready to leave- i started to hone down and realize what things made me, me. and it all came down to the things i grew up with.
  7. i learned to appreciate my parents a lot more. they aren’t perfect. but they do so much. and they mean so much. and they are really that much.
  8. i learned that people leave and you can’t control when they leave or why they leave or if they leave. or really if it has anything to do with you.
  9. i learned to be thankful for the time people gave me, whether it was years or months.
  10. i learned that my mind really doesn’t function well if im not creating. which is why i have the goal of creating more.
  11. people will show up for you in unimaginable ways. please let them. don’t close yourself off to love and attention.
  12. i learned to spend time alone again. and to love it. for a period of time there, i felt like i couldn’t be alone. but now i love it again.
  13. i learned to stop being embarrassed. im a very naturally introverted person but i promised myself this year i’d start getting out there more. that i would stop being so self conscious. (which im def still working on btw)
  14. i learned that im the loving type. i love and i love and i dont ever stop. and i learned to accept that about myself. i’ve been made to feel at times that it was a weakness to let people back in like that. but i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again- if i love someone, i will love them until i die. even if i never hear from them again.
  15. vulnerability does not mean weakness. im a firm believer in saying things when you feel them. tell people you love them even if you think it will ruin everything. tell them you miss them and you can’t live without them. just tell them. i stopped holding back, mostly because (if you know me well) you know that i can’t physically or emotionally hold myself back too much either way.you say things, you tell the truth and you go from there. you go from there. things can either work or not but you won’t ever know if you don’t try.
  16. i learned to set myself more realistic goals. i used to have this super ridiculous high expectation of doing 20 things in a day which i won’t say is impossible but is downright degrading to yourself as an imperfect human who can’t do half of the thing you try doing- correctly. so no, i will not be trying to get up at 5am or go to sleep at 9 in the near future, but a girl can dream of getting a full 8 hours right?
  17. if someone is hurt by something you did, you don’t have the right to tell them to not be upset. what you can do is always, always fix it. always be the bigger person.
  18. i learned that i don’t like being around people who can’t own up to what they do. who can’t take advice. who can’t even confront or even talk when things get messy. this is just something i realized- and well i adjusted accordingly.
  19. this year i learned that the kind of love i want, is not unrealistic. i may not have it yet. but i can assure you its out there somewhere. on the face of someone who can’t wait to meet someone like me. and the fact is that i want something pure, honest, dare i say-life changing? i want the kind with flowers and walks in the park and aquarium dates and love letters, and a collection of videos explaining why i love them. and that does not make me hard to love. it just makes me honest about what i want.
  20. its hard getting older. its hard when you wake up and you’re 23. i speak for myself. in those moments i just take a deep breath and try not to look in the mirror too much. it drives you crazy getting old. i think it gets harder for me because the older i get the less time i feel like i have.
  21. i learned to accept that sometimes you find more family in people who are not your family. and thats okay. sometimes that’s the support system you always needed but never had.
  22. i realized how much i love arizona. i realized it the moment i set a date to leave to new york. i realized it the moment my room was empty. i realized it the moment i couldn’t stop crying when i was saying goodbye to my dad. when i was driving home from work for the last time. because i know it will be so different when i go back to visit. its not home anymore, and i’m afraid it never really felt like so. but the mountains can make you feel otherwise when the nostalgia hits.
  23. i finally understood what full circle meant. i could finally go back and look at the turning points in my life. i could look at them with a better knowledge about myself. one that i never had before. the kind that helps you understand that you went through all you went through and some things were easy and happy and some things were to put it simply- heartbreaking. but i don’t see myself here if it hadn’t been for all the things in between.
  24. the biggest thing i learned was that i knew what i was looking for all along. i could just never put it into perspective. and moving here. doing this. trusting people again. crying from the homesickness at times- they all make sense. i needed this. i found the me that i lost years ago. i found her again in the streets of the city and in the quiet parts of my little one lane town. i found her in the bookstores and the quiet snow days filled with apple cider and breakfast at tiffanys. i found her in the walks alone around the neighborhood, and the middle of the night laughs and taco bell runs with people that i never expected to find. i found her where she must’ve been trying to make her way to a long, long time ago. she was trying to make her way to the place that felt like home.

some words that really stuck in my head throughout this year:

the truth is that it hurts because its real. it hurts because it mattered. and that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. but that doesn’t mean it won’t end, it won’t get better. because it will.

-john greene.

it hurt because it mattered. it hurt moving here. it hurt missing people. it hurt leaving my room. it hurt leaving my people, my friends. it hurt. because it mattered. it matters. so much. but you know what else mattered? my happiness. and this is only the start of what i want to say has been the happiest period of my life.

until next time. maybe i’ll write again in a year. maybe i will before and keep it to myself or maybe i’ll read it to someone.

-vi.

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adventure, blog, goals, life, new beginnings, photography, self love, travel, Uncategorized

flowers and forgiveness

and find the place where every single thing you see ,

tells you to stay.

-seeker

so this is what happens when you haven’t blogged in a long time and you don’t know how to start.

(fyi- im writing this as i think about the process of moving away and what the last 3 months have taught me)

so lets start from the beginning. my name is Violet and i haven’t written in a while so i hope this makes sense.

in exactly 47 days i leave my hometown for what seems to be indefinitely.

these past 6 months for me have been such a whirlwind. such an up and down slope sometimes i forget to stop and breathe. i think these have been the busiest 6 months of my life.

but i’m happy. i think. i hope. i aspire to be.

every day.

there has been one thing that hasn’t slipped from my mind lately and its so overwhelming its changed, absolutely everything for me.

its the seasons. the seasons of life. the seasons that we live in. the seasons that just pass us by and we don’t notice they’re gone until they are then you can’t get them back. like for example, i see my dad and my little sister sitting on the couch reading and it’s something so normal you wouldn’t even think of it but the other day i saw them and cried inside a little. because one day a long time ago, that was me. and not only that- but i soon won’t see that anymore. soon that season too, will pass. there’s the drive that i have taken home for more than 2 years that soon won’t be the same. and the way the sun sets after a big monsoon storm. and the park in front of my house that i always go to when im sad and i need to think.

i seem to have forgotten over the years that these things one day will be different. and one day is so close now.

there was a season of my life years ago where i thought i could live without anyone- definitely not in the mean way you would think but more in the way that i felt self sufficient. but i was also 18.

there’s the season where i was in love, so in love i thought i was floating. i thought pain and love were interchangeable.

theres the season where i couldn’t think of peppermints or empanadas without crying.

and theres the season where i thought i couldn’t live without someone, and here i am- living without him.

there’s the weird season that i don’t remember. when i couldn’t wake up ever and i blocked everything out.

the season where i would listen to joan sebastian in the car with my dad all the time. i attribute my love to him to the fact that my mom went to his concert when she was pregnant.

there’s the season that im living in now where i am trying to hold onto every last bit of memory i have of my home. my sisters laugh. the drive that i’ve taken home for the past 3 years. the sunsets. one of my best friends being pregnant with her first child. i can’t wait to meet dear little clara. and i don’t want to miss a single moment. but i also feel like i can no longer stay where i’ve always been.

theres the season when strangers turned into friends and then turned into strangers again. and that it can be quite terrifying to not have someone anymore and live in a world without them. to live in a world without hearing their voice again. to live in a world with no rooftop dates. yet this is the first time i’ve been able to accept it without any repercussions.

i think life will always bring you back to the ones you belong with. no time or measure can change that love.

theres the season i don’t want to remember because quite frankly- i’m not that person anymore nor do i want to be.

theres the one where i decided to move across the country and not tell anyone. because now is as good time as any.

and then theres the season where i would spend days on the roof with my best friend crying and wondering if we were ever going to get out of it not knowing that that was a season in itself. that the brokenheartedness was only a season. that it had a time frame.

and those are strangely some of the days i miss most. my rooftop days don’t often come around anymore.

and i guess what im trying to say is that seasons come and they go. and we have to accept that right now- in this moment we, me, you are living in a season that will soon be over and another one will start.

i’ve always been scared of new beginnings, of starting over. of no one knowing my name. of not knowing who i am. of never being in love again. of no one ever loving me the way i deserve. i guess a lot of my fears are based around love because that’s where i’ve been hurt the most. but right now- in this somehow fleeting moment of security and confidence i am so ecstatic and ready for my new beginning. and i’m confident all those things will come.

and after this years convention- i am so confident that real love, true love, it never fails. in whatever form that may be.

and for those of you who have been here since 2016 know that a lot of my posts have revolved around dealing with hard situations, forgiveness, emotional wellbeing and so on.

although i was writing all of that, and i still wholeheartedly agree, at times i knew that there was still so much inner work to be done within myself to get to where i wanted to be.

to get to the flowers. to get to the forgiveness.

the flowers- the flowers are the blooming moments. this is the year for blooming. you and i have grown a lot. its time for these flowers to be as beautiful as our Creator meant for them to be.

did you know flowers can be dormant for a long time? they can be. but that doesnt mean they were never flowers to begin with.

you and i have always been flowers. you are beautiful. you are kind, i am kind. i can be. i will be.

it sounds cliché, maybe. but these are words we often forget to tell ourselves. i am so exhausted of thinking so lowly of myself, when i keep myself afloat and thats so much more than i ever give myself credit for.

i want to be kind to myself. because negative thinking patterns are hard to reverse but it can be done. there will be fall throughs- but if i’ve done it so many times before. i can do it again. and again, and again until its over. until all i can think of is how great my day was.

of how blessed i am to be living this life.

and there’s the forgiveness.

to yourself. to the you, to the me, that woke up this morning and immediately had a headache thinking about all the responsibilities. and those are just for today. to the me who is not happy all the time, but nevertheless she is trying.

earlier this year i wrote a list of all the things i wanted to learn to do this year. goals i was setting for myself. things i wanted to work on. dreams i strived to accomplish. one of them said “find the love of my life”. and looking back i don’t know what i meant at the time but i know what it means now. i don’t know if i was talking about another person, another kind of life, another mindset.

but now. now i see it. i was always the love of my life. if i could not begin to love myself, how would i go through this life like that? hating every piece? i couldnt, i can’t continue doing that.

thats not to say you can’t love other people if you don’t love yourself. because i’ve done it so many times before. and i like to think i always strive to put others ahead of me, because i love them. because it makes me who i am. and ive done so even when i didn’t love myself.

and although im not perfect or even close to liking myself as much as id like to, im much closer than i was.

and right now, as im laying in bed and all i can see is the ceiling spinning because today has been one of the days i cant get out of my own head- i remember something my sister has always told me. even if this is the worst possible day you could imagine it being- you never have to live through it again. you don’t have to go through it again. and oh how im going to miss her. i always keep those words very close to me.

if i lived through this not once, twice, but many times and i picked myself up. how wonderful. how serene. how gratifying it is to know i am capable of picking myself up and trying again.

i like to think of how proud 11 year old me would be. that i persisted. that im doing what i dreamed even if its terrifying. and im proud of her too. because she’s still the girl who loves to read. who loves spending time alone and who is so environmentally aware it’s actually a little funny. the one who takes pictures with her film camera of her favorite moments before they fly away. im still the little girl who won the spelling bee and spent my target gift card on yet more books. the hopeless romantic. the arizonian at heart who has cowgirl boots (what will i do with these in new york?)

im still her. looking up at the stars. contemplating all the possibilities. but remembering she cant choose them all.

as i pack up all my things in boxes, and along with that all the memories of the 22 years of life i have created for myself i am certain of only one thing between all the unknowns-

that i will be okay. that i will survive. that i will be happy.

i. will. be. okay.

that i will always have the flowers and the forgiveness. thats its time to forgive myself.

its time to love without bounds in between. to take a walk in my new neighborhood and wonder how i got here, but smile at every. single. part of it.

how its only once in a lifetime that your best friend decides to help you drive across the country to help you accomplish your hopes and dreams.

to serve the one who has given me everything without bounds. and how He has given me this opportunity and has guided every step of the way. what a loving Father and God i so undeservedly have.

to be so thankful, extremely just thankful that you have what you once prayed for. and the thing is- Jehovah knows exactly when the right moment is to answer our prayers. sometimes its right around the corner. sometimes it takes years. but when you get the answer- you KNOW. you feel it in your bones, in the innermost corners if your being- you know. its a beautiful thing when you ask for something for so long and now you realize why you didn’t get it. because it wasn’t good for you. and when its something thats so clearly for you- you will see the answers right in front of you. its something only you know, something you have to go through to see it happen, to see it change your entire life.

and i cannot believe this is my life.

and just drove across the country and packed all my things in my little subaru. and we went to chicago and a million other places and theres pictures and videos that one day i will show to my husband (lol) and possibly my children and i want to tell them how happy this made me. how even though i was scared i went for it and the circumstances weren’t perfect and i got about 10 anxiety attacks in between but i made it. i made it. im here.

and im going grocery shopping in a little bit. and somehow that calms me down.

im sitting here in the place i fell in love with when i was only 18 years old. its real, im here.

im sitting on the floor of this empty room wondering how i got here. the possibilities are endless. and im not just talking about paint.

im talking about life. its time to be brave. to face this head on. i just want to see myself be brave.

and i have never felt closer.

it really is the blooming season.

but darling, you are a river.

the rocks will break you.

the valleys will bend you.

but you will never stop.

because that is what you do.

you flow.

– vinati

and with that being said. i hope everyone who reads this knows that they can be brave too.

healing never comes from a place of comfort, it comes from a place of growth and accountability.

remember that breaking up with your past and running towards your future is never easy. the growing pains are real.

gift yourself flowers.

shower yourself with forgiveness.

never in my wildest dreams did i think i would get here today.

yet here i am- with a brand new mind in an old but new place. an old and new dream come true. the place that makes my heart beat.

-vi.

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