i want to start this off by thanking everyone who has ever read this blog and has ever messaged or called me and told me that they related to even just a sentence of what i write. every single word has meant the absolute world to me.
this will be my very last blog post (and the end of an era, truly.)
the first time i remember writing anything meaningful was when i was around 16, in my ap english class. an essay about my grandfather who i really really loved. i couldn’t tell you what it said but i know i got an A+ on it. my teacher told me it made her feel something. and that made me happy.
i didn’t write very much after that but i read a lot until one day i didn’t, because life got in the way, as it typically does.
and one day i picked it up again. it helped me through the hardest times of my youth. and i’ve appreciated it for what it is. for what it has been. there is something i love about writing things and feeling a sense of understanding from the people around me. something i can’t quite describe or grasp or even understand myself. but its almost like people watching in new york city. you dont know everyones story but you know everyone has a story behind them and in front of them.
and this has been mines so far.
and i’ve loved every single moment. even the one’s that were a bit hard to get through. because for all those moments there were in turn hundreds of small nameless moments you wish you could relive because they are beautiful. homely. grounding. heartwarming.
and so with warm heart, i’m writing this last little piece as i say goodbye to my early 20’s and get into the part of my life where i must mature in more ways than one and grow up more than i already feel i have and live in the present. with the people i love and who love me. with my family even with all our silly differences. with my life as it is now. trying to give the best in every way that i can.
but in order to do that- i have to stop living in the past. and i can admit that sometimes i do.
it can be easy to romanticize or feel nostalgic about our past that we forget we need to heal and grow and bloom and we need to be ever present and be there for our friends and call our parents more often and move forward instead of back to a version of us that we no longer are.
and that is what i want to do.
i feel as if i’ve captured a big part of my youth through writing here. and its made me feel less alone. but at times it may have also kept me inside my head.
i will forever write for myself i think. i still write at least once a day and my room is full of journals half written in and annotated books in the margins. and they bring me back to who i am at the root. even when i think i’ve forgotten.
i think i will keep writing for a very long time. it became a part of me. but i also want to just maybe keep it more to myself now.
life is increasingly busier these days and for that reason alone i want to stay focused on what matters most in my life. on the things i think of, the people i think of first thing in the morning. i want to focus on being a better person. because sometimes im still not sure and then i ground myself and remember that if i wasn’t, i wouldn’t be asking myself that question.
when i started this blog i thought 5 people would read it-but then so many of my friends did. and it became something i never thought i’d say goodbye to.
but saying goodbye to something so precious to me- is really the start of something much bigger and more precious than this for me.
if you told me 6 years ago (truly don’t know where the time went!!!!) that it wouldve helped me or connected me so well to my friends i wouldnt believe you. i was only 19 and to say that i’ve changed considerably would be an understatement.
i went back to read my first post recently and i felt so emotional. but at the same time so incredibly ecstatic for the girl i became. i have mountains to work on still. but if i could talk to my 19 year old self, i don’t know what i couldve said to make things feel better- but i do know i would’ve hugged her until she felt a little better. i do know i would’ve made sure she got a good nights sleep because the me now knows how many sleepless ones she had worrying about what would become of her. i would tell her that i love her. i would tell her that even when the unimaginable happened (good & bad) she pulled through and she did it. all the times she didn’t think she could, turns out she actually did.
and now i have joy. i have peace. i have a strong support system. something i didnt imagine then. and so i realized that the things i wanted i have them now. they may not have happened exactly when i wanted them to but they happened when i needed them to. and the value of understanding that is enourmous. the value of understanding the people you love. the value of understanding your family. the value of understanding yourself. its truly beautiful. enlightening even.
i have shared many relatable taylor swift lyrics (as an avid swiftie) and one song that has been on repeat in my mind is “its time to go”. truly one of my favorites. and truly where i am right now.
“sometimes giving up is the strong thing”
“sometimes walking out is the one thing that will find you the right thing”
and although i can’t say ive given anything up or walked out on anything literally speaking recently, i guess you can say i have in my mind.
at times it has been hard to know where the years would lead me. sometimes decisions weren’t quite clear and i had to make the choice that i thought would lead me in the best direction after carefully planning and praying.
like moving to another unfamiliar state. i didn’t know i’d go through a pandemic 6 months into living here. but it has led me into the most shape-shifting times in my life. and i have met the most wondrous people that i know i will know forever. we will be eachothers people forever. im sure of it. all the things i didn’t understand in the past, in the end they taught me lessons i’m never going to forget. even when i didn’t know it in the moment. that is the beauty of youth. that when its ending and you become and adult you carry parts of yourself within yourself. and as you grow older and clear your head, that childlike happiness comes bursting through the seams. like it was only waiting for you to understand. to put all the pieces together in your little head. all the love that you put out it really comes back to you and then some more. more than you expect. that is what i hope for every single one of my beautiful friends who reads this. love, and healing, and true joy. i used to feel like it was circumstantial and while sometimes yes-hard and sad things happen- we can still choose joy in that moment.
i will truly miss this. but i also like who i am now and wherever she is headed- i know she will do it in a much sounder way than she did 6 years ago when she started this little big thing. i am proud of her. i am proud of you.
a last parting poem i wrote today while sitting on my couch: it is called the bigger picture.
“today you are 25.
yesterday at 4 pm you were 17 getting off the bus from school.
tomorrow you will be 11 on your way to your first ballet recital.
and all the stage lights are blinding. leg warmers and pirouettes are all you think of.
three years ago you were 22 but it felt like you were 27.
its a peculiar feeling to sit in your apartment, at 25, on a wednesday at 8:26 pm, with no particular worry in your mind. even when you feel like everything should be worrying you right now.
the things that filled your mind before: the day you graduated grade school (particularly the same night, wondering what would happen the next day)
(nothing really happened the next day)
the perpetual worry about being liked enough by your friends,
the simple start of a crush and wanting nothing more than to say it like it would burst out at the seams,
the feeling of having nothing to lose,
the feeling of being 19 and having a lot of time,
appreciating time as it happened because you and your best friends seemed invincible, now you watch their lives from a handeld screen.
and you remind them how much you love them once a month.
scenes of singing in the car like it would never end.
scenes of sitting on parking garage rooftops you snuck into talking as if we knew anything about life
(we didn’t know anything just yet)
that is the beauty of being young.
you feel like it will never end.
and in your head it never really does.
you feel beautiful in all the right ways.
and yet- there’s little pieces of youth everywhere you go.
you think you don’t, but you take them with you.
like rewatching the movies you loved before and laughing the whole time at parts that aren’t meant to be funny.
and somehow in that moment you are 15 and you don’t have to drive yourself to work tomorrow because in your mind you still haven’t learned how to drive;
and the highway scares you.
you call your parents once a week with questions you know the answer to but its an excuse to hear their voice.
you call your grandmother and she almost forgets your name but then she rememebers you at 5 years old, chasing chickens in her backyard.
and you tell her you love her more than life.
you tell your sister she is beautiful.
you tell your friends they are wonderful.
you always mean it.
the things you say, the things you feel they reflect on the inside.
where everyone says it matters.
but sometimes you see it in the mirror too.
a gentle smile.
rosy cheeks you once disliked.
they’ve become a part of you.
your friends say it’s beautiful when you laugh and slowly blush.
your disheveled hair.
its pretty in the mornings.
you think so too.
the words that come out of your mouth, they are better.
they are nicer. they are beautiful. just like you.
so today, you are really just seven. playing in your room with chairs stacked on top of eachother like you used to do.
you liked seeing things from up top.
you understand why now because you always have to have the bigger picture.
you hear your mom’s laugh.
she wants to go feed the ducks at the park. you walk hand in hand. you now know ducks shouldn’t eat bread but in this moment you are 7 and you don’t know that yet.
and you are nothing if not bursting with hapiness today.
tomorrow you will be 25 again.
and i hope you take these words with you.
i hope you can be reminded that everyday you can look in the mirror and choose to be a little piece of all the things you once were.
and i hope that makes you feel whole.
and i hope that makes you feel brand new.
and my hope for you is that you feel like you again.”
that is my last little piece for this special place that has been my safe space for so many years. i now have safe spaces in the shape of people and experiences and just feeling truly loved and happy.
maybe one day i will write on here again (possibly just an ocasional travel blog here and there). but i almost feel like this is the kind of goodbye that might stay because it’s special to me.
i’ve kept some of my posts up, some of the older ones(which i hadn’t read through in years) were a bit triggering- and i sent those back to my drafts. i want to be a more thoughtful person, and i guess that’s one thing i can do to be more mindful.
i have truly loved writing. some years more than others but nevertheless it will always hold a special place in my heart. but sometimes even the things that are special can hold us back a little bit.
“and we won’t place any stock in old days, lets save up for something new” – novels (sydney rose)
and thats how i feel and who i am now.
it is the most heartwarming thing to think and to know that even the person i was two years ago, who packed her car and moved on from life as she knew it- even then she was ever changing. and as someone who struggles with change, the last year has specifically taught me to embrace it. to start from zero- again and again and again. and it will be this way until its not. i used to tell myself that next week, next month, next year i would get it together. but embracing the reality of not having it together is the most beautiful thing i’ve done for myself. and its taught me something even bigger- that i have this endless capacity to keep loving even after all the curveballs the last few years have not so politely handed me. everything is so insanely different from what i imagined almost 10 years ago- the night i graduated high school. i told my mom in tears, that i wasn’t ready for the next day. because the next day was the start of some of the biggest changes yet. but the next day came. and so did the next 9 years. and some years it rained a lot. and some years i’d wish had never ended. some years i don’t quite remember. some years just flew by between life and my relationships with the people around me. i reckon that if anyone who knows me now, met me then- they wouldn’t recognize her at all. and the biggest changes i’m sure are yet to come. they are slowly happening in this very moment. on this rainy day.
so that’s it. thats my big (or not so big) discovery. that to live, i must live in the present, doing the things i love, spending time with the people who matter most to me, not spending any more time than i need to on the past.
until next time. although there will probably be no next time. and i somehow feel like that’s the most beautiful part of this little journey.
goodbye guys. its been quite beautiful to connect over feelings and life and my hope is that i take that and just keep moving forward. as one should do. as one must do.
and with that-
it’ll all be just fine.