disclaimer: of this post doesn’t make sense its because it doesn’t. i’ve written this over the course of the past few months. its not supposed to make sense. its supposed to make you feel something. its more like multiple diary entries in a mismatched order.
“are we really gonna talk about timing in times like these?”
-TS (of course)
something ive been thinking a lot about lately is timing. like for example- right now im on an airplane on my way to san francisco for one of my now close friends wedding. and i didnt even know who she was 2 years ago. i had no idea. and if i hadn’t moved to new york when i did. if i hadn’t gone out to coffee with her one day. if i had chosen to move to new york even as much as one day later, maybe i would not be on an airplane right now. maybe i would be doing something entirely different right now. maybe i would be going somewhere else. i have no idea. but this somehow made me realize the important that timing has in our lives. it may sound silly or ridiculous but as i get older each year i realize that i think so much more about the timing of my life. its like- when you’re younger you think only of the few days ahead of you, or even if you think ahead, years ahead- you don’t think about how what you do today will affect the rest of your time here. and now i do. its maybe because right now everything feels like a useless waste of time. or because everyday is the same and im the kind of person who would live everyday as if i was going to accomplish what i wanted the next day. but when those dreams disappear you have no choice but to think about what the heck you’re doing. hmmmm so i feel stuck. whats new? i decided to say yes to whatever opportunities come my way from now on. as long as i know they’re good for me of course. but i cant afford to waste all this time that id planned to get my life together. i had these past 2 years planned out and they completely fell apart. i can only laugh when i think about what i wanted to instead of getting sad. it sounds easier than it is. last weekend i moved into a stable apartment to live in after what felt like forever. and even though i couldn’t help but feel happy and relieved as i brought the last box up, it felt a little lonely to know that there was no one i could share that moment with. there was no one i could call and feel like i could tell hey, this might sound stupid but after 2 years of living here i finally feel like i got one thing right. oh my goodness, it felt so incredibly lonely. but i still felt at peace when i fell asleep on the couch watching gilmore girls that night. and i guess this example is a good way to explain how i feel about my life as a whole. i feel like by the time i get the things that ive been wanting or asking for i am so incredibly tired and in disbelief that i dont even know how to enjoy it. its like ive been in some kind of trauma response for so long that i can’t calm down for the life of me sometimes. if i thought last year was hard i dont know what i was thinking. this year started off pretty okay. i spent some time with my sister and we went on a roadtrip to utah. and then i came home. and i felt lonelier than i ever even remember being since i moved here. so much so that i considered moving back. and then things seemed to get a bit better.
it seemed like some things were going back to normal for just what seems now like 5 minutes. and then it was worse again. one day i was okay and the next day i got a message that really made life hard for me for what felt like months.
and that was even after me thinking id completely gotten over the fact that my first relationship was absolutely terrible, the kind of heartbreaking thing you see in stupid cheesy movies, but mines didnt have a happy ending. it had an- i hope i never see you again, because i wouldnt be able to stand it- kind of ending. and so with that came the same feelings of insecurity, sadness and confusion that id left behind years ago. so it was heartbreaking to know that i was crying over something that sounded so ridiculous when i said it out loud. it sounded so sefish to hear myself say that i wanted to move on first because than i wouldnt have to deal with the thought of someone who hurt me so much being happier, being in a better place than i was in. as someone who is so selfless and doesn’t take care of herself as much as she takes care of others, it felt incredibly selfish to even think that way. the thing is: we were not compatible in any single way. our egos were way too high to give up on all the things we wanted separately. and the other thing is? ive painted this person as the worst, to my friends, my family, and although they did see me at my worst crying in the shower, not eating phase of life, i cant help but realize that i was stupid to think i could change someone else. i only listened the empty promises and i ignored the lack of actions. in the end, i did a lot of the damage to myself. in my own head. and it took me until this year to fully realize all of it. and the toll it took on me is not something im proud of. but its something that i had to feel in order to fully get out of this unscathed for once. and i cant fully grasp how to fully explain how upsetting it is to realize how much time i have wasted because i was so in my head. how much time i wasted not taking care of myself. how many opportunities ive lost. how many times i didnt go out. how many times i cancelled plans. how many times i missed out on spending time with people i love because i couldnt handle interacting with anything or anyone but the walls in my room. i probably couldve done more by now if i didnt have so many walls up. so that is it. and right now. right now im at a point in my life where im incredibly scared of the following year. i hope its better than this one. im scared of something happening and taking me back to square one for what feels like the hundredth time.
if any of you have seen the little women movie or read the book or both, im sure you know the kind of character jo march is. shes so incredible in a way that i can’t describe. all i know is that i relate to her in more ways than one. theres a part of the movie i cant watch very often because it makes me cry every time. its when she talks about how all the women in her life are incredible, and talented and beautiful and she doesn’t think they should be defined by the ability to find someone to love, but she breaks down at the very end and the famous “but i’m so lonely” scene happens. i can recite the whole thing. it hurts my heart though. because its like in that very moment she know that there’s so many ways in which she can fill her time, shes so talented, shes a writer and she lives in new york. but there’s still something missing. but she’s still lonely even after accomplishing what she wanted. and it made me think about how maybe she just couldn’t cope with everyone around her moving on with their lives and her realizing that she actually did want what she swore she didn’t when laurie told her he loved her and she turned him down.
and it made me think my own self. i have spent all this well deserved time trying to do what i wanted to really really accomplish and really just trying to recover from a lot of things that happened in my life as a child and even some as an adult, while everyone around me was finding someone to love, building a life and a family for themselves. and this whole time ive convinced myself that i did not want that. that i didnt want a traditional life. that id never be content with it. but my heart and my mind feel a lot different now when i come home alone. when i drive home after a really crappy work day, you know the ones that feel like theyre never going to end and you drive home in silence? and you realize that you have no one to call so they can pick you up and hug you and make sure you eat something good. and then you realize that you’re wiping your own tears off your own face. just like you always have. its worse when you realize that even the one relationship you had you were so worried about constantly losing the other person- you always made sure you were never too much. so much so i convinced myself that was the real me. when it wasnt. and i guess in these moments i wonder if the timing of my life will ever work out for me. even with all the plans and lists i make. even if im organized. even if i think and think and double check. the timing is always just so off. i was talking to my mom recently and she told me she was sorry. not for anything in particular, just because she knew all the things that have happened and she said she was sorry that things didnt seem to work out because she knew i tried really really hard. and it made me feel validated- yes. but it also made me wonder if i was ever going to get it right? its too late for many things like having a non stressful background. i cant change that. but its not too late to get things right(right?). i really really wonder if one day im going to have some normalcy. hopefully one day soon. it feels insensitive to say this at the time were in but i really want to be truly calm. i dont want to dread my days as they come. and although i know all the things i have to change- i don’t know where to begin to find the energy to change all the things i need to change. im so tired i wish i could sleep for a whole month straight. maybe longer. just do nothing other than sleep and not talk to anyone. not have to show up and put on yet another face i dont have. i only have my own face to put through, to pull forward. i am one person and as far as i know i dont have multiple personalities so thats all i can give. and its taken me so long to realize that, so now i feel like ive had some big sort of realization but really it only feels big because i no longer feel like i have to pretend to be too little or too much for others. of course we are ever changing and ever growing. and i dont mean this to say that ive stopped growing or learning. i meant this to say that although i will continue to learn and to grow as a person i will no longer sacrifice my mental well being in order to please others around me. whether thats friends parents or whoever. if something makes me uncomfortable i no longer want to hide it. if i cant afford to do something i dont want to pretend that i do just so i dont hurt someone else. if i feel like i cant handle someone problem dumping on me than i will have to just say it. if i feel like someone is leading me on and playing with my feelings im also going to have to say it. im thankful that ive learned well and i no longer get my feelings involved and i wouldnt unless i know someone actually cares enough to get to know me. i hardly talk about myself to others unless i know theyre going to stick around. its too emotionally exhausting otherwise. and on top of all the other exhaustion- who has the time? not me.
and well, i dont know exactly where im going with this post, truly. i didnt want it to sound as depressing as it does but at the sake of being real on the internet, well here we are. and i guess because i know some of my friends do feel the same way about timing. and i wanted them and whoever else reads this and resonates to know that you’re not alone. i have no idea where my life is going to lead me next year. i might find someone i absolutely adore and wonder why i ever thought about giving up in the first place. i might buy cat and name her meredith. i dont know. could really go either way. but to end this on a much lighter note, i guess i just wanted to reiterate and say that i do have hope. i do hope and believe that at some point the timing in my life might not be perfect but maybe it will be good and maybe it will make sense. and i hope that in that moment i think back to now and i hope that maybe i think back on today and i realize how foolish i was to think that id always feel this way.
ahhhhhhhhhhhh. the feeling i thought would never come again. the feeling of closure. today was one of those days. one of those days that just feels like big huge gigantic hug . yesterday i had a flat tire and the day was long and its starting to get cold in new york. but i couldn’t stop smiling. i couldn’t stop smiling. i called all my friends that night and i laughed more than i had in a long long time. 20 year old me couldn’t have ever predicted this feeling. and if i told you why, you’d think i was crazy so lets just call it poetic justice. the kind that you think doesn’t exist. thats the catch phrase. i think when someone finally is a done and closed miniscule chapter in your life- ahhhhh. i wish i could describe the feeling but instead i wrote a poem. its called decimated feelings.
“i thought i would feel differently after hearing about how you ended up. it turns out that i didnt have some kind of epiphany. there was no crying, or life changing peace that happens in the movies. none of that happened.
i didnt feel any differently. i just felt that you got what you deserved. but my life carried on as it usually does. monday came around again and everything was still. everything was the same. i woke up as late as usual. i drove to work, and then i ate lunch in my car. and then i drove 30 minutes to come back home. in those 30 minutes i called my best friend and my sister. my sister was on her way to the gym and my best friend was at the airport. it was like any and every other day. your complete and absolute silence in my life was probably everything i needed years ago, but i realized today that you were just a small miniscule part of my big, big amazing life. so what are 3 wasted years in the span of all my 25? barely anything. 0.12 to be exact.
so as the years go by, the 3 worst years of my life will become smaller and smaller. smaller until they are 00000.1 part of my life.
and i look forward to that. i look forward to some day the worst days turning into nothing.
and that is what one would call peaceful.
i have realized that some of the best days of my life havent even happened yet. and those days will infinitely exceed all the bad ones ive lived. all the ones where i thought i couldnt go on? no, the ones that i dont want to end will exceed those.
these days im incredibly happy that i enjoy the life i live. i realized you no longer played a part in it, for much much longer than i ever thought.
you are nothing. and were nothing to begin with. just a 00000000.1. just a decimated part of what once felt like my whole life.
i guess id wished the redemption of it all would feel better, but truly- truly i hope one day you learn what it means to really love someone instead of discarding multiple hearts so easily. i’d hoped back then that you wouldn’t leave me, but now leaving me has felt like the biggest relief one could ever feel. a silver lining. a single thread of gold as some would say. i’d hoped you would change for me back then, but now i truly hope that you one day love yourself enough to not treat the people around you like they’re disposable.”
maybe i won’t ever get the timing right. but maybe it’ll be okay anyways. maybe i don’t get to be where all my friends are at right now. maybe i don’t get the unconditional love from someone. maybe one day i am content with being different from them. maybe one day i don’t feel quite as inadequate and instead i feel strong and pretty and nice and good. maybe one day i won’t relate to champagne problems anymore.
maybe one day these feelings of failure will finally rest and remind me that i don’t have to pretend to be perfect for everyone else.
i want to not feel so embarrassed or on edge when i mess up. when i forget to call. when im so busy and my head is spinning and i forget to do laundry because i fell asleep. when i’m just being my clumsy annoying self. i want to be okay with being that. because that is me. and i hope that as i get older i get closer and closer to that. that i get closer to being okay with just myself in the end. because i know there will come a point in my life soon when all the people around me will be in different chapters and im going to have to be okay with being only a sentence in their lives. maybe a little more, maybe less. i dont quite know where this life will take me at (almost) 25.
“how evergreen our group of friends, don’t think we’ll say that word again”
taylor said it well. its impossible as you get older for things to remain as they were. the things i remember so vividly in my mind as the best times of my life are 3 maybe 4 years ago. i miss the orange juice in paris. i miss not knowing but not worrying so much about the future as i do now. i miss the times when i felt like i still had time. when i felt like i had time to be exactly who and what i wanted to be. when i moved to new york i felt so sure of that decision. i knew it was exactly the right time. i knew i was ready. i knew if id stayed home any longer i’d have fallen apart. new york saved me in a way. but that was the last decision i made that i was sure about. everything in the last two years has felt so indecisive, in a way that i know that my next step will possibly make or break how things could be for a while. and somehow that terrifies me. like oh my goodness im so terrified right now.
i wish i could slow down my mind for long enough to actually get a clear view on what i feel. it always feels like im second guessing myself because i dont know if its actually me or the anxiety built up in my head speaking.
“how can a person know everything at 18 and nothing at 22?”
ugh. if i couldve used a single question to describe what my life was at 22 this one would be it.
of course, taylor does it again.
i feel like i (thought) i knew everything at 18 and then the next few years were so confusing, heartbreaking, and a little bit mentally exhausting to be honest. by the time i was 22 and i moved to new york i felt like i had nothing other than what was packed in my car, and i felt like i knew nothing other than the fact that i needed to leave. desperately. and that i did. i left and didnt look back. i haven’t once since i came here. even when crying in my car isn’t cute anymore. or in my room for that matter. even when what i thought it would be like was much different than what it actually was. than what it actually is. even when i didn’t quite expect to be by myself right now and still not know how to cook properly. i still miss my mom’s food. and i miss the abundance of coffee shops in tucson. but i’d die a little on the inside if i ever had to go back. i may not have anything figured out but i do know that this is somehow the most stable i’ve been in my life.
one of my biggest problems is that i see my life in the way that i watch movies. i dont know when i started to be honest but its just like that. the perfectly curated collages in rose colored lenses. even the bad moments seem greater than they actually were. big cinematic scenes that protray losses. losses of people who in the end weren’t as big as one would imagine. you know those scenes in the coming of age movies when the main character is looking at someone they love and its on a rooftop or something and you can see all the lights in the city. or the scene at the end of the movie where your person just walks in and changes everything, and in that moment you know they are going to be something big in your life? yes. well, thats how i remember the best moments of my life. the worst moments too. in slow motion. as if they were all a movie and i pause it or play it as a i like. i skip the parts when i cried a whole ocean in what felt like a single night. and i replay the parts before that night when i didnt know what true loss felt like. i replay the “im always gonna love you’s” mostly because i cant remember what it feels like anymore to be loved by someone else. the nervousness when one meets someone who’s about to be a main character for a while. i haven’t felt that in years. sometimes i just like to remember that i was once all somebody thought about (or so i thought at 19). also the scenes of realization when said main character is about to say the last words in your life. and they always sound a little bit like the end of an era (but the start of an age). if you understand that reference i love you. but no really- i don’t know how to live my life in any other way. as a self-declared introvert i live in my head most of the time and that means i spend a lot of time planning things that may or may not happen. and i want to stop. sometimes i want to be extroverted for a day. so extroverted and on that day i want to talk to all the people ive missed out on, take all the opportunities i failed to take because i couldn’t get myself to, i want to sing and dance and scream and laugh so loudly but whenever i even as much as attempt to be someone i was not born to be, i feel so incredibly exhausted. and then i crawl back into my little apartment and watch my favorite tv shows and eat my favorite foods and just disconnect from the world. and that is when im actually truly happy. when there’s no extra noise around me. so im still trying to find the balance. the balance between taking crazy chances, and being content with the life i live. the balance between not talking to people and making actual real meaningful connections. sometimes people ask me what my happiest day ever has been and i truly am not sure. yes ive had incredibly happy days. but none of those days have been so happy that i forgot how to breathe kind of happy. ive lived days that i once thought were the happiest days but then years later i can’t remember them as anything other than bittersweet memories. so i can’t say that i have. but i hope that my happiest days are spent doing things that i love and maybe with someone i love or maybe i will do these things on my own. i’ve come to terms with that possibility. i think that we can do simple, subtle things in our lives that in the end make up all the best parts of them. good books are always good because of the way the characters are described and how much detail the story has. not too much and not too little. just the perfect amount. and as silly as it may sound- i want to be the perfect amount of myself. not too much and not too little. the kind of violet who is naturally quiet but also doesn’t stutter when there’s more than two people in the room. i want to be the violet who is sure about her feelings, but will also try something new once in a while- just to prove herself wrong. the truth about me right now though is that i am not quite this girl yet. i am not quite the best version of myself. i still second-guess my choices all the time. i don’t know what that’s about. shouldn’t i be more sure of my choices as i get older? maybe, maybe i should. maybe i shouldn’t.
and my goodness- i want to be that violet right now. but the violet i am right now doesn’t even know if she can like someone ever again. i cried multiple times today (whats new?) while watching the all too well short film. and i don’t think i’ve ever talked about this song and its significance in my life on this blog ever really. and thats because it hurt too much to explain how much i related to pretty much the whole song. but as of recently- and i mean in the past two weeks i feel like my life has come full circle and given me the closure i didn’t even know i needed. i had already given up on ever getting any years ago, so this came as a surprise. in the past two weeks i’ve called every single one of my close friends who watched me cry so much i couldn’t breathe or eat or sleep back when i was so young i couldn’t even understand what was happening. and as i called each one of them i realized that i was never wrong. and i don’t mean that in a superior or snobby way. i mean that in the all-too-well he was a terrible person and made it seem like he wasn’t kind of way. and i guess it can be sad or mean or hurtful to think of someones evident fall from grace as ‘good’. but when someone hurts you to the point that you don’t even recognize yourself- you know that the right thing WAS for him to fall from grace. there was a quote at the beginning of the film by pablo neruda (which is coincidentally one of my favorite spanish poets ahhhh) said: “love is so short, forgetting is so long.” and its insane to me even now how such a short lived love can stay with you for longer than you think, even when you realize years later that it was one-sided and all of the “im sorry’s” were literally just to shut you up.
so i guess, from the beginning of this post to the end i have somehow changed my mind. i said i started writing this months ago, but months ago i felt like a completely different girl than i am now. months ago when i started writing this i thought that timing wasn’t on my side. not even once. but time proved me wrong. for once. it proved to me that sometimes you get the answers long after you thought you needed them. and it proved to me that theres a million other little things that im overthinking right now. some things that wont matter in the long run. and some things that will. i just dont know what is what yet. this time, right now- i feel like the timing is right. i don’t know for what, but it feels like my time is on par with my life at the moment. uncertain. beautiful. a little boring. 25. wondering if you’ll just spend all your time in your apartment or if you’ll ever give someone a chance. going grocery shopping even though you hate it. accepting you suck at cooking and essentially will have to date someone who will be good at it. accepting that all those things that happened in the past lead me to where i am right at this second. and i know i’ve touched on this before- but it is really so ridiculously beautiful the ways that our lives work for us in the end. it gives you hope that in the end you are actually going to be okay. all the shining moments meant something. and all the crying-in-your-bed-all-alone moments meant something too. all those things that happened were hard, yes, definitely, excruciatingly. but look at you!!! look at me!!!! i by no means feel like i’ve “made it” in any single way in my life right now but i also don’t think i’d rather have it any other way. yesterday i drove around with one of my best friends trying to find a place with wifi because upstate lacks appropriate coffee shops for some odd reason but anyways! we were driving and i was explaining what the whole red album meant to her because it was red tv day and no, i didn’t imagine my life to be like this on a random friday, two years after moving here with a friend i’d essentially first met on the internet but this is what my life is like. theres so many small moments every day that i would really not have any other way. i mean sure i could be somewhere else right now. i could be in a completely different place. i could’ve followed the same kind of lives that most of my friends have but i didn’t and i can’t change that now so here i am. accepting the timing of my silly little life. accepting that one day maybe years from now or maybe sooner than that, i will miss the exact moments i’m living in right here and now.
so i guess the resolution of this is that i’m accepting my life for what it is right now. honestly a little boring for the most part. but its getting happier nonetheless. and i will miss these moments. i can feel it in my bones. i will miss them. because these moments will be gone sooner than i can say goodbye to them.
and yes- it really is almost december.