the person you needed.

” you 

and first, before him, and before her, and before them.

there was you.”

-nikita gill

this is for all the girls:

yes especially the girls (we go through a lot)

for the ones who can’t look in the mirror without hating every part

who feel like they are never understood

who don’t get along with their parents

who are depressed

who have gone through a heck of a time waiting for someone who was not ever planning on coming back

this is for the intense girls

the ones who feel everything

the ones who look crazy to everyone else

the ones who want to be happy but something inside them screams that they don’t deseve it

the ones who are proactive

who get what they want through hard work

who are strong

who are powerful

this is for all of them. all of my friends. all of the girls around me who i see struggling, who i wish I could hug all the time and tell them how its going to be okay. how even though you may be 16 and confused right now and it will be a rough couple of years but promise you- you will be 21 sooner than later and things will be different, so soo different, but they will be good.

i just got back home, home. for now at least and I’ve been on like 6 airplanes in the past 2 months so things have been crazy. but being in the air gives you time to think. and every time you come back from somewhere new, things are always inevitably different than when you left. its weird because i’ve somehow figured out what i want in this span of time and i think this year is the most exciting one yet for me.

lately i just see everyone around me and it seems so surreal because i’d see them and think they had their life together, they either had job they liked, were accomplishing their goals and somehow taking all the right steps, were in the right relationships somehow with the perfect person, would always somehow look presentable and perfect. and here I am: wrong relationships, never even paints her nails, needs a better (day) job, and has goals but does not even have an idea of how to get there. anyone else with me?

but the more I talked to my close friends I guess I just started noticing that no one has it together at 21. no one realistically ends up with their first boyfriends. no one knows how to start in terms of accomplishing goals at this age. no one is completely confident in themselves.

and i guess I just wanted to talk about something that has helped me to accept things the way that they are. to be who you needed when you were younger. if you didn’t have someone like you, how you can turn into that person for someone else. how you can try to get out of the mess you constantly find yourself in. i find myself helping someone when i see that they need it because i remember needing it. i remember needing to scream and yell and tell someone what was wrong and no one was there to listen.

its hard work. such such hard work. because at one point you have to stop hating yourself. you have to be okay with yourself. you have to accept that you are never going to look like someone else or have someone else’s life and surprise- that is your power. you have to wake up in the morning and force yourself up to a certain point to be okay. to not wish you weren’t you. you have through mountains and problems and challenges and so much that only you have experienced and you shouldn’t want it any other way because this is you- this is the epitome of who you are. and honestly if you knew how to take compliments instead of wondering if they are real or genuine or just flat out not believing it, this world would be a better place. because I’ve been there. taking compliments is honestly one of the hardest things for me. because how can you believe that you have something good, when you have never had a decent amount of self-esteem? its heavy stuff.

and lets talk about relationships. i have realized that you can have a relationship with someone, and this even speaks friendship wise, and if you are just never okay with yourself you end up giving your all to these people which is not necessarily bad in itself, but when they leave you have nothing left in you. you’re empty because you’re pouring from an empty cup. and trust me- that is not the best place to be. i know its overly repeated but you need to love yourself before you love other people. of course I think that its impossible to be able to fully love ourselves, its a constant process. but when you work towards it, your relationships with other people get better. and you attract the kind of people that only better you.

and when you have good people around you-even the worst of times don’t seem so bad.

another point that speaks volumes to me is mental health. again- you cannot pour from an empty cup. although my friends seem to describe me as the person who is always there- literally, there was a point and time when i felt i wasn’t even there for myself. but i don’t remember ever turning completely cold because of the way i felt. yes- that can be the easy way out. you can just stop trying in every sense of your life because you feel empty and basically just dead inside (lets be real shall we?). but that is not the way out. the main thing that got me out of almost 3 years of being depressed was being there for other, helping others, even when i felt the way i did. because even as much as i tried to numb myself to everything- i just couldn’t. that was never who i was. i guess to me, my problems were never greater than others. i simply realized that we all have problems. we all have struggles that could quite easily bring us down. and at the end of the day you have yourself. you have you. all day, all the time. so you can’t just make yourself numb because- all you really have is you.

i read something recently that talked a bit about forgiving and letting go. and this has been something huge for me. forgiving can come to mean literally letting go. just to let go. and nothing has resonated with me more than that in a long time. you must forgive other people for everything. because this will liberate you. it will set you free. i was recently in new york and that place has so many dead memories to me that i had to promise myself mid-way through the week that once i let go of them, it would set me free. that i could pass by the place where you told me you were sorry, that i could pass by the place that we met and just be okay with myself- be okay with you, in the past, where you and all these memories belong.

lets start letting go of all the nostalgia, of all the things that consistently weigh us down and feel like they are pounding in our heads- waiting to get out. its time that we realized that they aren’t good for us. there’s so many broken dreams but there are so many new ones. so many thing you and i can do, so many things left to live for. so many loves left to meet. so many books to read. so many more places to go. so many more goals to set your self.

so stop worrying about who you will marry. and about how all your friends seem to have it together. or about how you never seem to get along with your parents. or about how you don’t look like her, or her, or the girl on tv or the girl you saw at the mall.

forgive yourself. for all the times you didn’t take care of yourself. for all the times you didn’t take care of your health. for when you accepted the love you thought you deserved- when in reality you deserve so much more than half loves. for all the times you broke down in your car or in the middle of a day at work. for the messy-imperfect you who doesn’t look like a model all the time. it does not matter. you are here, and here is just the right place to be.

” the world is a large and confusing place, sometimes it is important to remember the simple things. like where you are for example.

here you are.”

-oliver jeffers

1 thought on “the person you needed.”

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