there’s been something that hasn’t left my mind for a few months now (various things actually) but i haven’t had the words until now. so if i post this i probably put a lot of thought into it.
just a mere warning: for the people in my previous life who may or may not be referenced in this, if you wanted me to write warmly about you, you should have behaved better.
dates suck. and im not talking about going on a date date, im talking about memorable dates, nostalgic dates. because all could be well until you realize that today would have been your first anniversary, and here you are again. in the same place, in the same feelings.
and here’s the thing: letting people go is no joke. its not like in the movies where you’re heartbroken and someone magically appears and seems to be ten times better than them. because sometimes it isn’t that. sometimes it isn’t that the person you were in love with was a terrible person. sometimes love just isn’t enough to make things work because you need timing, you need trust, you need to be with them and distance is not for the faint-hearted. when sometimes you really were the love of eachothers lives but you’ve done one too many things to hurt eachother. so much that you can’t, for the life of you, make it feel like the first day you met them. you can’t go back to when everything felt so natural. you continue to go back to eachother time after time but if you’re still in the same exact place , what does it really matter?
but it does matter. it does matter, it does matter, it does matter. for me, the first person i loved was wonderful. he was. he helped me become a better person. see i used to be angry at the life i had, i didn’t exactly tell anyone but i knew it in me. and he changed that. and i hear you when you say that you shouldn’t rely on a person to change you, but he improved me. i would tell him everything that i was angry at and he would turn it positive one way or another. until one day before i knew it i was believing in myself again. again. he made me feel again.
but he also broke me. very badly. so he was wonderful, but at the end he wasn’t who i’d met anymore. or maybe i grew in more ways than one the first time he broke my heart. that by the second time, i knew i could survive on my own.
so that was that. he was “the one”. but there is no such thing, now i know. you can be so in love, you can. its real. i didn’t think it was, but love is real. it just doesn’t always work. we are imperfect beings and imperfect beings make mistakes. heartbreaking mistakes even. and my heart hurts just writing this out.
there are days when everything is coming down in more ways than one and all you can think of is how their hand felt in yours when you were all in the car and you just smiled because this, here and now, was the best day in a very long time.
when everything is said and done, its easy to look back at the good parts only. but you have to look at the bad parts too. because those are the ones that will save your life. because you will remember why everything happened. and you will be okay.
how to (sort of) survive a breakup:
1) cry. when you feel like it, when you remember and you can’t stop the memories. just cry.
2) pray. pray whenever you feel sad or angry. pray for the both of you to be okay because its better than hating them for what they did, or for what they didn’t do.
3) get up. get out of bed for once. organize yourself. this is something i didn’t do. i couldn’t get up for the life of me. and yes its okay that you do that but not every day. life will pass you by if you don’t get up.
4) also please eat. if all you’re doing is coming home to sleep, eat something. and not cookies. eat something good for you.
5) remember who you were before them. set yourself some kind of goal. plan a trip or a roadtrip or anything really. just try to keep yourself occupied.
6) talk to your friends when they ask you whats wrong. stop saying you’re fine all the time, and then proceed to get mad when they don’t know whats wrong (we’re all like this don’t even lie)
7) don’t watch 500 days of summer. just don’t.
8) remember that you are human and that you are allowed to feel this broken. that doesn’t mean you always will be.
9) don’t try to rush your healing. because only you know how long it will take you. and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for however long its taking you.
10) its okay if you still care about the person. don’t let these experiences make you hate them, let them mold you into a more understanding person.
11) its okay to want closure, and its okay to ask for it, to ask for reasons if you never got them. it really does help. and if they hurt you, you at least deserve an explanation. asking for this really helped me. goodbyes hurt, but they heal.
12) listen to taylor swift. a lot.
these are just some things that have sort of helped me. i don’t know what takes the sadness of it all away completely because i’m not there yet. but i will be, eventually. a year ago i would have never thought i would be doing things i only dreamt of. like writing a blog. like traveling. like leaving things that are toxic for me. and i am so very proud of myself, at least for that.
but what about letting go? letting go of all of that? letting go of everything if we’re being real here?
lately i’ve been needing to let go of more than just one person. because there are different kinds of heartbreaks.
there are also friendship heartbreaks. and i think this may be almost as painful as the other kind.
what do you do when the person you trusted the most is no longer there?
when they knew everything about you, but they are just not there anymore?
when you try and you try, and you try once again but its been decided that other things are more important than being your friend now?
when somehow, you end up apologizing every single time because it gets turned to you for demanding too much. thats when you have to learn to walk away.
“they did not tell me it would hurt like this no one warned me about the heartbreak we experience with friends
where are the albums i thought there were no songs sung for it i could not find the ballads or read the books dedicated to writing the grief we fall into when friends leave it is the type of heartache that does not hit you like a tsunami it is a slow cancer the kind that does not show up for months has no visible signs is an ache here a headache there
but manageable cancer or tsunami it all ends the same
a friend or a lover a loss is a loss.”
the underrated heartache – rupi kaur
this poem by rupi kaur really hits home. a loss is a loss, she’s right. and it hurts more than one can imagine. i think that a lot of us go through this but don’t know how to deal with it because how is it possible to not miss who you used to tell everything to. who knew you were late to everything, who knew what you needed to hear and would run to pick you up when everything was crashing down.
but here’s the thing: once you’ve given your all, and somehow its still not enough…you’ve got to let go. you can’t keep being friends with people who never ask how you are anymore. thats not how relationships work. and its sad. its extremely sad how you can be so insignificant from one day to the next. its like a painful realization. but it gets better. its okay because you have to be thankful for when they were in your life. be thankful for when they ran to your rescue when the only boy you loved broke your entire heart and when you were so mad at your parents you thought you’d never recover. be thankful for the wonderful memories they gave you before life got in the way. before your friendship faded and before you tried and fought so hard to save.
some things just can’t be salvaged anymore.
and then one day, after being alone so long. you find people that you never thought you’d be friends with and suddenly you think that all along you were supposed to get to this moment in your life. where everything is so wrong, in all of your lives, but you’re singing in the car and you realize that in this split second- you are truly happy. because they love you for you and they understand you more than you’ve ever known.
life works in the most mysterious ways. most wonderful ways.
this is to thank all the people who have stayed in my life. when i haven’t been easy. when i didn’t know who i was. when i was in bad relationships. when i thought id never feel happiness again.
i hope that i never ever give up on people. or stop loving people. at this very moment in my life i don’t feel any anger or hate towards anyone who has left or hurt me. and i didn’t know that deep inside that’s what i should’ve been striving to be all along.
the girl who never gives up on people. why? because it makes me violet. it makes me, me.
stay strong everyone.
this is the art of letting go.