i’m pretty sure everyone at this point feels like “when this is over” is more of a wish than a reality. when this is over- i’ll spend more time with the people i love. when this is over, i’ll travel more. when this is over, i’ll be better to the people around me. i can’t say i haven’t thought that way too.
i think that if this pandemic has taught me anything- its that not only what i need, but also what i want is very simple.
i guess what im saying is i want something good. at the end of the day, i want good things. isn’t that what everyone wants? i know for every individual thats going to look different- but what i want is simple. i know that life is not all fun and games and like a movie- i would know that firsthand. but i know those simple, but beautiful moments have to exist somewhere in this life. there must be some place for them in my life. they must be coming, right?
im almost 24 this year and well- handling myself alone hasn’t been easy its remained a practical skill. especially when i havent been able to count on most people in my life for extended amounts of time except a solid few. i think that i always forget that i do deserve certain things. certain things are just human rights i think. im always looking around me and everyone always has one happy thing. a good form of support- kids, a partner, a safe and happy childhood. i dont ever remember what thats like. ive been standing in the rain on my own for a long time. i think thats why i don’t like the rain. everything is pouring down and there’s no way to stop it. it stops whenever it wants to. it doesn’t ask us for permission. yet, we still have to continue with our lives because thats just the way it is. most of us can’t afford to take the liberty of halting our lives when things go wrong. most of the time were forced to keep going not knowing when it’ll stop. thats what adults are supposed to do right? at least no one can notice you’re crying when its already raining.
i think a lot of people around me now don’t know how my life was before. and i guess thats a good thing. because some of them would never even guess. i also think its very important to acknowledge and make peace with the fact that you went through things you weren’t supposed to go through. when people would tell me when i was younger that the purpose of some things was to help me mature it always made me feel a little sick. i know they meant well, but in what world are bad things supposed to make you feel better about yourself? i always asked myself that. i mean- they only make you better if you let them make you better. the difference was i didn’t let them make me bitter. i just never let myself believe any of those things adults would tell me at the time. what a ridiculous thing to say– i would think. but i guess now i know what they meant. lately i can’t relate to anything else more than when meredith grey is laying in her bed wide awake before the alarm even rings.
sometimes im wide awake before my alarm even rings. did i finish that thing? how much time do i have left before i go to work? how many things are on my to-do list today? when was that appointment again? when was the last time i called my mom?? can i afford to take a nap today?
yes- all very valid questions. but that just gives you an idea of how overwhelmed my brain is most of the time.
“we’re adults- when did that happen? and how do we make it stop?” – also mer.(someone please stop me from rewatching greys and being heartbroken all over again??)
the truth is- at least i think so, is that being an adult means being tired all the time. there is no turning back. i can’t even drink wine these days without feeling like im dying the next morning. when did that happen? i love wine.
this year of introspection has taught me that this is most like likely how things will always be for me. its time i was at least okay with it. away from new york- or at least before moving up here, i was constantly stuck in situations that made me feel so helpless. like i was in the rain, like i mentioned earlier. and i couldn’t get out of them. as much as I tried.
but i also think that being an adult means that you get to be as happy as you want. as happy as you choose. moving away alone was one of the best things i’ve done for my own health. i no longer have to feel guilty when i am happy. when something good happens. its hard to walk around eggshells. i don’t have to do that anymore. i no longer have to downplay the good things in my life. coming from a place of being stuck in a constant loophole- i felt like my little happy moments were lived on my own. on the rooftop of my old house. in my favorite coffee shop in town. i had to stick up for and be happy for myself- especially when no one was watching. if i told you how i thought things would be right now- you wouldn’t believe it. i don’t even believe that there are things that i once wanted. and i will always be grateful that i didn’t end up with those things. because then i wouldn’t have known what it would be like to share my happy moments with other people. not only keep them to myself- but i actually get to share them with other people. i have a family of people who would do anything to see me happy. whatever that means for me. these days the things that i hope for are different. you would think that just one year wouldn’t change much about someone- but it does- it really does. i even looked different when i first got here. my hair was different, the way i dressed, the way i talked, the way i carried myself. i was so scared of anything going wrong again.
these days- these days i don’t hope for love or relationships or someone bringing me the moon and the stars. these days i just hope to be happy. i just hope to be content. even if contentness means being on my own. that is the way it has always been. i hope by then i learn to embrace it too. to not value my worth by how many people love me. i want my worth to be contingent on not how others love me- but how i choose to live and feel, and breathe, and love. i want my worth to just be something that comes naturally to me- not something i constantly feel like i have to work to deserve. i want to deserve to be worthy. i just want to be worthy. that’s what i hope for myself these days. i want to appreciate the fact the quality of love i have from the few friends that i have is all that matters. i want to remember that whenever i start feeling like everyone will leave again. that is how most of my endings have gone- but now looking back- its not like any of those relationships were very strong to begin with. i think the problem was me. i put in so much love and effort into every single relationship i build with someone that i forget to make sure that the person on the receiving end even wants it. i don’t know if that makes me brave or foolish.
which one am i? i don’t know. and as much as i try- i don’t know. sometimes i feel so anxious over things that make no sense and other times i’m so brave i wish i could record myself. sometimes i’m so brave that when i come home i smile at myself in the mirror. sometimes, just sometimes i feel so brave that i feel like nothing anyone ever says about me will ever matter anymore. i wonder what’s best, you know? do you keep loving people even when you know they will leave? do you wait for the ending and hope for a different outcome or do you leave before you get left? i wish i had the right answer to that. the truth is- at least to me, it always depends on the specific situation. whether you keep trying or not is up to you.
flummoxed. do you know what that means? it means that you don’t know what to do in a given situation.
we number our days and divide them as if we’re trying to go through a checklist instead of making time the precious thing that it is. these days i’ve been calling my mom more, and my grandma- even when it breaks my heart that she doesn’t remember who i am sometimes. these days ive been trying to remember that my parents are just normal people and that they tried their best. just like i was shaped by them, they were shaped by their own parents. i grew up wondering what it would be like to have a normal life. and now sometimes i miss the crazy life i had back home. there were dark moments growing up- more dark then good ones. but the good ones were really good. they were amazing. and they gave me that. my dysfunctional family did. i may be nothing like my parents (or so im told) but i think they’d be proud of the daughter they have. at least i would hope so. communication was never my strong suit with them- which happens to be something i emphasize so much in my current relationships with others. i want to be sure that i’m showing up as much as i can.
these days ive been trying to forget all the things that once bothered me.
i want to live a life that doesn’t make me regret how ive lived up until now. i’ve supported myself through the years and honestly as hard as it was, i’m glad that i did. it would be really hard for me to move anywhere at all had i not known the harsh reality early on. i know what its like to feel like your heart is breaking and still have to put it back together before getting up the next morning. and i dont say it lightly or to feel bad for myself. at this point- i don’t feel bad for myself nor would want any attention for it. i wouldn’t wish any of those things on anyone else. i would rather other people around me realize that they don’t have to go through hardships in order to be understanding people. after all this time- its what i value the most in others: their ability to be compassionate even when they don’t understand fully. i’ve always wanted to live a life that teaches me how others feel. and thats why i surround myself by people who do just that.
i know what it’s like to not get what you want. time after time after time. thats exactly why i don’t expect much these days. and that might sound pessimistic to some- but to me its one of the most positive things ive ever done. to not expect the kind of effort i put in- from others. we are not all the same and we do not all love the same. we do not all get angry or sad or worried just the same. that would be really boring. i’ve been appreciating looking at the details people give me. and the space and the respect. i tell my friends this a lot- but im so happy with how the past year has turned out. it exceeded a lot of expectations. or i guess lack of expectations. i finally have let my guard down just enough for people to help me. and to help me in ways i’ve never been helped before. i even ask for it now when i need it. slowly my mind had been changing. i don’t even recognize the girl i was one year ago. the person i was then, was someone who would strive to fix every broken thing in her life. friends, family, you name it. i tried to fix and by myself. i wasn’t used to people respecting any boundaries i set. that just didn’t exist in my life. i couldn’t say no without feeling like a horrible person. i couldn’t just let others walk away from me. i even thought my boundaries were just too much for others.
but now i’ve turned into someone who respects her own boundaries. none of my current friends ever ask for explanations. they respect my space. they respect my life and my decisions. it all makes me feel so at ease. this past year has been free of begging others to respect my space. this past year has been free of friendships that just don’t work out. this past year has been free of me feeling guilty every time i say no. this year had been free of so much stress i didn’t even know i was dealing with.
having to be an adult is the hardest thing in the world. but it can be the only time in our lives that can bring us the happiest moments of our lives. the scariest ones too. but how would we learn to recognize the great great moments if there isn’t any sad ones. they must come at some point. sometimes, sometimes they come more often than the happy ones.
i know i said i hate the rain- but i hope that one day i don’t. i hope one day it doesn’t make me sad.
maybe on day ill be watching the rain fall through the clouds- and i’ll remember how i felt today. like my world was ending once again- but that day i hope to feel calm. and content. i hope to be smiling at the rain. i hope to be content, and a lot more brave than i am now.